Realisation dawned upon me like a slap in the face a while ago. I just realised that the incredibly masochistic pattern that I underwent for years now was because of the monster. My theory is that I still haven't been able to resolve the conflicts in my head. So all this while, I was subconsciously punishing myself by purposely picking out people who resembled the monster in some way or the other and letting them destroy my sense of self worth. I'm not saying that this holds true for everybody, but most people,yes. I have purposely stifled my intuition in the past, as a result of which I have been able to break the cycle only recently.
The trauma of abuse is one that doesn't go away easily, if at all. I am still waiting for the day when it stops affecting me. Many would think of me as a sissy, who needs to "grow up and get over it". I wish it were that simple, I really wish it were.
But no matter how complicated (or rather fucked up) my thoughts can get, one thing that I know for sure is that I'm a survivor. I will hold my head high no matter what. Nothing can break me again. I'm no longer 12 years old, nobody can hurt me without my consent anymore. You know why?
Because I love myself too much to break again. I have a two very loving and understanding parents. A boy who loves me no less even on my worst days and a whole lot of other things to fall back on.
So hurl your obstacles at me, world. I will survive.
I'm your average part-time God and full-time joker.
