Big Two Three, etc etc

I turned 23 years old yesterday. It was more eventful than my 22nd at least. There was a highly potent rum-punch and no Honey Singh music in shady nightclubs. I had a few close ones over. I got my guitar after months and months of an agonizing wait. I stayed up all night, long after everyone was gone, playing my heart out.

People wished me luck, wished me well. It was all very nice. I got a few unexpected wishes along the way as well, which genuinely made me very happy.

Familiarity sometimes is a great thing. It brings comfort to the broken heart. It brings relief.

But today is not a special day anymore. I am back to my reality. My birthday is over.

This past year has been eventful for me. I've scaled new heights and I've sunk to new lows. I gathered the courage to meet the Monster. He was just like I remembered from 10 years (11 actually) ago. But he seemed shorter (or did I grow tall since the last time?), he seemed unsure of himself, he was no longer suave and charming. Heck, if he asked me out today, I probably wouldn't even have given him a second chance. It was so hard to imagine that this man, now 27 (or 28?) years old caused me so much pain, damaged me so badly. I felt nothing for him. I felt sorry for him. I didn't feel attracted to him anymore.

A decade and many guys later, I can safely say that I am no longer afraid of him. I no longer need him to validate my existence. I was a stupid child but I've grown up since. I've grown up enough to know that it wasn't my fault. I was a victim, yes. But I will not let that define who I am. I will not let him define who I am.



So 10 years later when I met another man, who reminded me in so many ways of him, I knew I was taking a big risk. Everything was a blur. I wanted a fling. He wanted love. I wanted love. He wanted himself. After two months of talking to everyone around me, but never me, he sent me a fancy package out of nowhere to compensate for all the things he put me through. I thought to myself if this is what I had become over the years-someone who accepts gifts from people who leave them feeling betrayed just because it's a good gift. I asked myself how I could still love someone who never loved me in the first place. This was the exact same mistake I made 10 years ago. Why was I stuck in the same loop? Between involving all my friends and close ones, he made one fundamental mistake which gave him away-especially to people close to me, who care about me. He would always talk about himself, what he was going through, how lost and lonely and confused he felt. It was never about me, it was always about him. Him, him, him, him. Me, me, me, me. I, I, I, I. Never a we, never a her.
He tried calling me to wish me from various numbers yesterday I think. I wish I didn't have to be so cruel but sometimes you have to break someone's heart to mend yours. Where was this desperation during the last couple of months? Where was this love? This affection?

I've learnt, over the years, that most people will not be nice to you. They will be cruel, selfish and unkind. But I must never do to them what they do to me. It is wrong and it makes me no better than them. Just the same. I forgive but that does not mean that I will forget. I must never forget.
If you let someone hurt you once, it's their fault but they do the same again and again, it's becomes your fault.


So anyway, I'm breaking my silence today, despite my closest army of friends advising me otherwise. I think it's time to salvage whatever little dignity that is left of this situation.





Dearest A,

You say you're hurting, but do you know why? Do you know what causes the knot in your stomach, the lump in your throat and the sinking feeling in your heart? Is it because you miss me or is it because you feel hurt and rejected? Do you know the difference?
You may lie to the whole world, make me the villain to your tragic love story, but can you lie to yourself? Can you sleep well at night knowing that you did what you did with me, without thinking of its consequence?
Did it ever occur to you that maybe I was in love with you too and that every time you hurt me, especially over little things, I let it go? I gave you the benefit of doubt. I gave you a chance and another one and another one after that. I kept giving it another shot. Hoping that somehow you'd change. Somehow you'd stop making excuses instead of taking responsibility for the things you did wrong instead of hiding them under the carpet. But you didn't mend your ways. You merely took my being away for granted, made your excuses bigger and grander. Even today you're still the same, you're just trying to convince the world how you have been wronged, but have you really been wronged?

Do you know what it's like to be crushed by the one you love? Do you know what it feels like when someone goes out of their way to make you fall for them and then proceed to act so indifferent, so cruel?

I'm a simple girl. I have very basic needs. I don't want a man who'll bombard me with fancy gifts. I don't want a man who is rich and successful. Or even educated and well-read. I want someone who loves me and is as devoted to me as I will be to them. I want a man who doesn't make me feel insecure. I have the whole world doing that to me. I just want someone who'll treat me gently, who'll be kind. Someone who'll coax me out of my depression instead of letting me waste away.

I have been in and out of love and it's never worked out well for me. The first person I loved raped the fuck out of me. The second person I loved died. The third person I loved chose our work and friendship over our relationship and the last one was you.

Just like you, I had dreams about us as well. I thought I was happy and I thought I had the right to dream. But hey, just my luck, nothing ever works out for me. So after a long period of crying myself to sleep every night thinking about how we made love and how I let you inside the deepest corners of my heart, I sort of just gave up on you. The love we made was beautiful. Our kisses were special. I felt alive when you touched me.
Sometimes I also let you be cruel to my body. I figured if you scratched my back, spanked me really hard till my butt had imprints of your palm on them and bit my breasts, you wouldn't be cruel to me in real life. I thought you'd be as nice to me otherwise as aggressive you were with me in bed. I submitted to you. I gave it my all. I made love to you with every cell in my tiny and frail body. But I guess you never saw things from my perspective. I guess you never will. I have worked really hard over these last few years to restore my pride, my sense of self. I was broken beyond repair during my adolescence and I thought you'd understand how fragile I really am instead of me screaming it out to you. It took a lot of effort and determination on my part to not break down and cry in front of you. I didn't want to leave a bad taste in your mouth. I didn't even want your love. I loved you, without expecting anything in return.

It took a lot of courage for me to drop everything and run away with you from the rest of the world. Be it the drug-trips or the actual travel. I did a lot of things with you which I was saving to do with my Prince Charming. I thought you were the one. But my Prince Charming cannot be someone who hurts me everytime he doesn't get his way. If he is, well then, I don't have much to live for. All my beliefs are lies. Why did you set me up for such heartbreak? What wrong did I ever do to you? I was committed to loving you and just you.

There was an evening, long time back, when I had first told you that I was moving back home, away from you. You tried to talk me out of it, but being the stubborn person that I am, I did not listen. You probably won't remember but we started to make out sitting on a bench shortly after and you kept getting more aggressive, you bit my lip harder, held me by the neck as your other hand slipped inside my t-shirt and squeezed my breasts. It was fine at first, but you just kept getting more forceful. You pinched my nipples so hard that they hurt and it wasn't a good kind of pain. There was a scar on my chin from the sucking and my breasts felt sore, like somebody had just beaten me black and blue. I am no stranger to finding pleasure in pain. But this was pain of the humiliating kind. I knew you were upset about me leaving and that was probably you venting it out on me without even realising. I teared up a little sitting right next to you that day. I felt so shaken. How could a man who seemingly loved me so much be so cruel to me? So indifferent towards my feelings? You probably couldn't understand why and how you made me feel so, so cheap and so I let it go. Days passed by as did months and moments similar to that one came and went. I didn't think it was a big deal eventually. I blamed myself for not being open enough, for being insecure. I thought I was letting my baggage from my past burden my relationship with you. But why was it that I was always blaming myself and never you?
Because that is what love is about-blind adoration for someone even though they are the ones who are wrong.

You may think that the worst you've ever done to me is slap me during our acid trip together. But that wasn't it. The worst thing you did to me was to break down my sense of self.
After I lost my virginity quite tragically, I saved a few things for the right man when he came along. I thought it was you. I went ahead and rid myself completely of all inhibitions, just to make you happy. I assumed you'd do the same by showing me some mercy and some dignity. After all, I wasn't asking for much from you. I wanted you to be kind to me, I wanted you to be truthful to me.

Lies, some white and most completely unnecessary caught up with us. If you sow the seeds of a relationship based on lies, how can it grow? How can it blossom?

I don't know why I have such bad karma when it comes to love. I have loved and loved with all my heart, but I haven't been loved back the way I'd like to be. I guess the fault lies in me. Maybe I wasn't good enough for you. Maybe I wasn't adequate to calm your roving eye. It's okay. I'm not perfect. I guess one day I'll find me a man (or woman) who will love me for who I am and be satisfied with me and not explore options while still with me.

Do you know how bad it felt when I saw you hug some random girl who you didn't even know, before my gig?  It probably wasn't a big deal for you. You probably don't even remember. But it really hurt me. Your incessant need to be overtly friendly with members of the opposite sex may be a good thing, but it made me feel so inadequate, like a defective toy that the owner doesn't really care about and infact searches for newer, better toys to play with. In my (then) 22 years of existence, I have never felt insecure in a relationship before. I've never had to try so hard to get someone's attention.
Out there in the desert, if you had seen me do the same, how would you feel? Would you let it go, thinking you're reading too much into it? No,you'd probably fuck the shit out of me, take your anger out on me. Like you did so many times.
In the car. On the roof. In a hotel. On my bed. On your bed. On the floor. In your friends' home.
I never said no. No matter how degraded I felt.

Maybe I should have. Maybe I should have put my foot down.
Like the time we were vacationing together and you woke me up one morning wanting to have sex when I didn't. I didn't say no even though I didn't want to wake up and fuck. But I wanted you to be happy above all else. So I didn't firmly say no. I played along, like I was fine. I figured these are some of the things you need to do to keep your partner happy and your relationship going strong. Why is that I was making all these unspoken compromises and not you?

I know you probably don't even realise what a flirt you are. It's not your fault. It's who you are. You have an unnecessary need to please everybody around you, especially members of the opposite sex. I've met loads of boys like you. I say boys because men don't make their partners feel bad about themselves, inadequate somehow. But I didn't realise you were one to fall in that category. It appeared that all the beautiful things you said you me, you said to a hundred others. All the wonderful things you did for me, you'd do for a hundred others.

You were always special to me. I was never special to you. The only difference between me and the other girls was that I was letting you fuck me, not them. I always thought of myself as some rather broad-minded when it came to relationships. I believe I still am. But my ego does not permit me to be with a man who doesn't make me feel good about myself. Someone who makes me feel insecure and unnecessarily jealous.

All these days of us not being in touch, you went to everybody I know and told them of your heartbreak. But why not me? You tried calling me from different numbers yesterday, but where was that desperation a few weeks back when I was forced to block you? Where was that love? If you were hurting so badly why is it that you never called me from another number, sent me a message or an email or a letter?
You didn't want to wish me yesterday. You just needed and excuse to talk to me and hear my voice. If you really did want to wish happiness and joy for me, you could have atleast sent me a message from the numerous numbers you were calling me from. It wasn't about me. Even on my birthday, it was about you. Your needs.

I'll tell you where your love for me was, for all these months. It never existed in the first place. You mistook lust and sex for love. I wish you didn't have to drag me down with you though. I was perfectly happy being lonely before I met you. Now I'm heartbroken and lonely.

I've decided to stop dating, having sex and meeting new people for the time being. It hasn't done me any good, case in point being you. I need to stop being so involved and invest so much time on other people. I need to focus on myself and my needs for a change. I risked everything for you and it sort of blew up on my face. It doesn't make sense to fall in love so easily and subsequently lose my will to live.

Thank you for your birthday gift. I can't accept it. I haven't opened it yet although I know what's inside. Everytime I look at it, it just makes me feel like you're buying my forgiveness with things. It hurts that you chose to send me a generic, impersonal gift. After all that we've been through, you don't even know what makes me happy and what doesn't. If you want me to forgive you, then you should just ask. I've been told that I have a big forgiving heart. I can't hate people even if I wanted to. You need not have given me something for my birthday to compensate.

I've forgiven you in any case. You don't have to buy me gifts for that. I am not the one to hold grudges. I've forgiven you even though you're not even sorry. But it's okay. Maybe you'll be a better person someday, as you grow older.

I hope you find love and I hope you find peace. I wish you all the luck and happiness. May you only experience good things. But please don't hurt someone without reason. It's not right.


I fell in love with you and never quite out of it. I hope I have been able to leave myself behind inside of you in some small way. I hope you read this someday. Or maybe you wont. Don't read too much into it, I have a knack for saying things as they are and hate mincing my words.
The first time I trusted you completely, I let you make love to me. I let you enter me. I let you go where no man has ever been before because I thought my dreams were coming true. But now it feels like a long forgotten afternoon that amounted to nothing but heartbreak for me. Anyway, my feelings don't matter to anyone. So I keep them locked in a jar-away from everybody.

I feel really bad. I turned out to be the loser in your game. I opened up to you like no other. I am a very private person. I don't like letting people in. But I made an exception for you. I wish you'd understand how hard it has been for me to pick up the pieces of my broken heart that you've left behind.
The scars on my body still exist. Some of them are quite prominent too. I feel ugly and unwanted when I see my body in the mirror now. I feel like trash which has been used and discarded by someone. These are the exact same feelings that I felt 10 years ago. So you see how gravely disappointed I am, with myself?
I don't blame you for making me feel this way. I brought this upon myself. I should have known better than to trust you so much. I'm a fool you see. I'm a fool when it comes to love.

All these days, weeks, months of not talking to you, I was still hoping for some kind of a sign to show me that you really cared. I thought you'd do something to sweep me off my feet, make me love you again. I didn't want a hundred people constantly tell me how much you were missing me. I wanted you to tell me. I wanted you to convince me. I wanted you. It was always you. But I was never the one.
I'd wake up every morning hoping that maybe you'd call, or write me a letter, or send me a message. But you never made that extra effort. I guess I asked for too much.


Thanks for everything.I can't forget all the great moments we've spent together. They've changed me as a person. I really hoped you wouldn't break my heart. It's okay though. I don't want any bad blood between us. I'll love you like a memory never to be forgotten. Being with you has taught me to risk everything for the one you love. Sure it may not work out the way you want it to. I'm still an optimist and even though it'll be a long time from now that I can start trusting people again, let them in like I did with you. I still don't have any regrets because I know that I loved you without prejudice, with all my heart.


Always in love, but will never say it out loud again.
S.

The D-Word

I woke up on the floor with no memory of what had happened and how I got there. Seemed like I had passed out while fixing myself a snack. Well dinner at 3am, actually. I helped myself get up, go downstairs and curl into bed. In-between trying very hard not to lose consciousness again in the process, I realised that this was what my life was always going to be-helping myself get back on my feet every time I fall. I have no one and no one has me.

I really wanted to get away from this city after I was done recording the album. I really wanted to clear my head after what was one of the most intense weeks of my life. But recording is an expensive process and even more so when you don't have a sponsor and neither are your parents rich and influential. I (we actually, not me alone) spent whatever little money I had saved. So I'm stuck here with a million little things in my head, which is making me go crazy.

My depression has been quite uncontrollable for the last week. I just want this phase to get over so badly. I hate bothering to tell people about my depression because very few people take it seriously. Depression is not a feeling, it's a disease that eats away every cell in your body as time passes. "My boyfriend forgot our 5-month anniversary, I'm so depressed"-no you're not depressed, you're just upset. I hate how loosely people throw around the word like they really know what it feels like to be depressed.

There are times when I don't leave my room for days at a stretch. I cut myself off from the outside world. I don't talk to anybody. I don't eat. I don't shower. I just lay in my bed praying for the day to get over. Until I wake up the next day and it's just the same, no better. I don't know why I am so incredibly sad. I cry and cry for hours when no one's around and yet I feel no better. Every morning has a fresh start they say, but all my mornings are the same. It's just crying against the pillow for no apparent reason and then going back to sleep again.
Sleep it out, sleep it out, I tell myself. But it doesn't work. I try writing new material, but my voice chokes as I try to sing.

I remember my self-mutilation phase when I was 15ish, I'd take a blade and make incisions on my skin just to stop feeling all the pain that I felt in my heart. But I was never one of those teenagers slashing away just to get some attention. I'd keep my scars a secret, in places which you wouldn't notice at first. I can't do the same now. I feel like I still owe my body some mercy for what I've put it through all these years.

The worst part of depression is that it makes you forget all the good things about you, around you. The melancholy overpowers whatever little good thing you have going on in your life. I know I should feel lucky to be where I am today, but I can't help but feel like all that motivational self-talk is just bullshit.

I know I can get through this. I have been through this feeling so many times before. It's just that I'm growing older as everyday passes and the struggle to be happy is just getting harder with every fit.

I want to fast-forward to the future when I'm with someone who understands my depression and loves me inspite of it. I can be quite adorable otherwise. I promise. Although my depression hangs over me like the shadow of death. I want to be able to share my grief with someone, anyone. That's all I want from life sometimes.
I guess that's why I always end up making the worst possible choices when it comes to relationships. I think I give my heart away too soon every time, make love with all the passion that I have inside me only to be greatly disappointed by the big void that nobody seems to be able to fill. The fault lies in me, maybe I'm too needy, too hopeful that someone will fix my depression for me someday. Maybe I have to do it on my own-get over it and not let it get to me instead.

I have lived for days at a stretch without any human contact. I have literally not spoken to another soul for days at a stretch at one point. That was the lowest I have ever sunk. This time it sure feels like a close second. I wonder what difference it would make to other people if I didn't exist at all. Would they notice at all? Would they care? Would they remember my face and remember all the seemingly good things about me?

All the calls I get on my phone are either work-related or people calling to talk about themselves. Nobody wants to hear my story so I tell no one anything. People on social networking sites make witty comments and logical arguments every time I post anything and yet none of them know me. Or maybe I should say none of them have any idea what really goes on in my head, who I really am.


"I am fine. I am good" that's what I tell the world bravely,even though I feel like I've been broken into a million little pieces. I really don't know how to fix this on my own. Therapy's not helping either. Like I said before, maybe this will what my life will always be like. A strong, confident person to the outside world who'd drop everything to help someone else out, but irreparably damaged inside. Only I know how hard is to be suffering from a disorder which no one else seems to understand.

Anyway, why am I even writing this? Does anybody even read this anymore?

Goodnight cruel world.

Delay lay lay lay

It's a hundred times more exhausting to be a full-time musician than just a student and a part-time one. As you may or may not know (does anybody read this these days anyway?) the action has now shifted to a new tumblr, but I prefer NOT talking about love, relationships and strange men. It's a whole lot of trying-to-be-inspiring bullshit by someone who's just started out and has no idea what the future has in store.
Anway, it's suyashasen.tumblr.com

I shall be back in this space once my music has been recorded and has been polished to perfection. Till then, I guess it's going to be a long period of being dormant.

Keepin The Faith

In due time, destiny will reward those who carry on despite all the great depressions that are hurled at them. The game is not to be won, it is to be lived.
This is my time to shine, to rise, to create, to teach and above all, this is my time to inspire...


My destiny is to live, it is to shine.
I was born to do this.
I was born to try.
I'm meant for bigger things.
I often forget that's not a lie.


Change my heart again
Change my soul again
Change my mind again
Change the road again
And I'll let it go

Change my love again
Change my clothes again
Change my life again
Change my home again
And I'll let it go.

I deactivated my facebook profile again.
I deleted apps like Whatsapp from my phone.
I don't intend to take most phone calls.

I want to sink into oblivion and never resurface.
Or maybe I want to go away forever.
I don't know.
Would anybody even care?

Ex Boyfriend

"you guys should get back together"
"you should hook up with someone else"
"you look miserable, are you alright?"

They flocked around you day and night.
Wishing you luck, wishing you well.
They gave you advice, shared anecdotes.

But nobody asked me how I was.
Nobody cared to find out if I was hurting too.

I was.
But it's not like it mattered to anybody else anyway.

All these years of knowing me, you know how bad my depression can get when I lose control of it.
But it doesn't matter to you anymore.
You don't have to care about me now, I am no longer your responsibility.

I stood alone.
Among all those people.
Not one soul cared.
It hurts to feel so unwanted.
Like vermin.
Am I vermin?
Am I that insignificant?
Maybe I am.
I was just over estimating myself.
Nothing good can ever happen to someone as horrible as me anyway.

I am sorry I have been such a burden on you.
I am sorry for thinking that you were my friend.
But I guess I was wrong, the friendship ended along with the relationship. I should have known better.

Back to square one, back to being all alone.
I can count my friends on my fingers because the numbers are so few.
That's okay.
Not everyone is lucky to find somebody.
Maybe I'll land up all alone in the future.
That's okay.
No need to cry about it.
Or maybe I could look myself up in my room and cry a little bit.
What other choice do I have when I can't dream anymore?

Criminals

As most people my age spend their time these days, I was browsing my newsfeed on facebook when a picture of you popped up. You looked good, beautiful as always.
You've grown your hair out and you seem to have put on a little weight, you still look as gorgeous, but your eyes seemed so tired and so sad.
I miss your tender embrace at times.
You said you'd love me like no other and you did.
I miss speaking to you, holding you, running my hands down your body.
But I loathe you for making me not want to fall in love with a woman ever again.

Things would have turned out so differently if we'd still been together, if you had made up your mind once and for all. We were so happy at one point of time in life, lost in each other and completely oblivious to the homophobic world around us.
But there's no point in dwelling in the past now and I've learnt it the hard way.

I still feel as empty and lost as I did before.
I have seldom felt so lonely and hopeless.
This is quite possibly the worst phase in my life where nothing seems to make sense and everything seems to go all wrong.
I am all alone and I wish you were here, to comfort me and tell me that everything's going to be fine one day.

There was a time when spending even a day without seeing each other would turn our worlds upside-down. I am not being needy though, I am just overwhelmed by how we've become total strangers to each other now.


With a broken heart in dire need of mending and no particular purpose in life, I wonder if you miss me sometimes or even think of me at all...

People's fascination with my love-life makes me feel like such a local celebrity at times.
"is she sleeping with him?"
"did they break up?"
"did you see her with that French dude?"
"I heard she was chatting up that girl the other day"

oh man.
Thank you for adding fuel to my narcissism and making me feel like some kind of a sex-goddess.

There are days, like today for instance, when I feel like tripping on mdma and listen to Bonobo all day.

I miss the anonymity that Delhi had to offer. It was so much easier to do so many wild/crazy things without having to think of the consequences it would have on my "image".

But then again, no vacation is permanent!

Think Things Through

He claimed he was in love.

He claimed she was the one.

He ate into her head.

He said he was sorry.

He said he'll be a better man.

Just to bite into her skin.

Dishonesty.

Cruelty.

So many vices, but these the worst.

I broke down.

I cried.

I poured my heart out to a stranger who I thought was my friend.

But I was merely a trophy. Again.

I may be strong but I hurt too.

My ego does not permit me to be with someone who openly eyes others when with me.

And talk about others with lust filled in his heart.

I may not say anything.

But I observe quite well.

I won't be taken for a ride with your fake concern anymore.

Excess

Tell me everything, tell me all the things I don't want to hear.
Tell me.
Whisper them into my ears or scream them out loud.
I'm listening.

I have so many questions to ask.

Did you kiss her the way you kiss me?
Did she make you cry when she went down on you?
Did you fuck her like an animal like you do to me?

Did you leave marks on her body that wouldn't go away for weeks as well?
Did you grab her, turn her over and fuck her like you do with me?

Is her face plastered on mine when you make love to me?
Is she still the one you dream about having a future together with?

Tell me.
Tell me everything.
Tell me everything I'd rather not know.


Did she hold back her tears when you raised your hand on her?
Did you hit her and call it an accident as well?
Did you make it a habit of eyeing other women when you were with her or do you only do that with me?
Did you make her dream and break her heart as well like you did with mine?

How many times did you tell her that you love her?
How many hours did you spend exploring every inch of skin on her body?
How many moments did you spend worshipping her?


Am I as good as her?
Am I as good as her?
Do you think I am as good as her?
Can I ever be as good as her?



I don't want to even if I could.
I'm not going to be someone's sloppy seconds.
With the click of a finger I'll have a hundred more like you lined up, waiting to be with me.


At the end of the day I'm using you as much as you're using me.

Dream Until Your Dream Come True

I have taken the plunge.

And to be honest, I am petrified. 

I have never felt so scared in my life before.

I can make it.

I can make it?

Crazy/(Not) Beautiful

Adolescence was never a regular affair for me. I've always felt isolated from what goes on around me, like I don't really belong.
Delhi has been somewhat surreal so far, I've learned more about myself in the last few months than I ever did sitting in my room in Calcutta.
I've come to terms with the fact that I will always be lonely. Nobody can fill the void. Not because nobody can, but because I don't want anybody to.
My void gives me a sense of purpose.
It keeps me going.
Floating from place to place.
Moving on from one person to another.
My void gives me life.

I've been called many a name, both to my face and behind my back. Some hurt and some I dismiss as a joke, to be taken with a pinch of salt.
People sometimes do and say the most cruel things unintentionally.
I let it all go.
I feed the void.
It grows.
It takes over my brain.
My void consumes me.
I let it.
It gives my life some meaning that way.

I have been manic and depressed for as long as I can remember.
How did things get so fucked up?
I cannot remember.
My head has stopped listening to me.

Merry Christmas To Me

It's strange how I find myself all alone during times when I am craving for the company of a fellow human being the most. Loneliness is such a sad, sad thing.

There is no feeling more heartbreaking than knowing you're all alone.

I've been drifting in and out of depression lately. 

What is worrying though, is my complete lack of faith and hope that somehow things will work out just fine in the future. 

Reality is scary and the fact that I am not a child anymore has hit me very hard, like an unintentional but firm slap across the cheek when the brain is on acid.

I've built these walls so high that nothing breaks my heart anymore. Yes, I feel amused perhaps, but never upset because I know that happiness is something that doesn't really exist. It's all just a facade to keep ourselves from falling apart.

What is the point in craving to be with someone who does not exist anymore? What is the point in giving my heart to somebody who will land up breaking it into a million little pieces anyway?

Why fall in love when you can have sex and just leave it at that?

I've been told that I hold on to old memories too much and that I should move on. But move on to what? Yet another phase of self-destruction and mutilation? Things have been getting progressively worse inside my head over the years to the point of a complete breakdown.

I am losing my mind and this time, unfortunately, I don't think I will be able to recover from it.

I have given up all hope.

It was never worth it, at the end of the day.

I don't want anyone beside me.

I don't want anybody to love me.

I've had enough.

I am alone.

I have always been.

I am a phoenix.

I shall rise from my own ashes someday.

But just like Santa, there is no such thing as a Christmas miracle and I am learning that the hard way

Expiry Dates

I can't help but feel that you and I are running out of time. The urgency is driving me mad. I can't help but crave for one more time.

But don't show any mercy.

Don't treat me like a child.

I want to submit to you.

One more time.

Paint your pictures on me.

Bite into more than you can chew.

Destroy me.

For I want to be devoured by you.

Make me come

Make me cry

Make me come alive

Before I die....

Death By Fornication

I firmly believe that there will be a day when the lioness will be tamed. She can't be wild and free forever can she?
I want a man to violate me, to finish what one man started.
I want to scream.
I want to cry.
Replace all memories I have with new ones.
Maybe then I'll be truly free?

"Don't Scar My Face"

Fatigue. That's the first word that comes to my mind if I have to talk about myself.

I am tired.

I am so incredibly tired.

And sad.

I am living in a loop of eternal melancholy.

I'm so unsure of myself.

But I will not cry.

Especially not in front of you.

Even though my heart is breaking into a million little pieces.

You say all the right things.

But your eyes, they lie.

Lust.

Greed.

Fascination.

Infatuation.

Aggression.

Compassion.

But not love.

It's not that easy to fall in love and stay there.

I would know.

I've spent every waking minute looking for it, hoping that it still exists.

I Love You Mom

I wish I had my mother's grace. She'd always wanted to be a dancer when she was young and boy, she was the most gorgeous woman you'd ever see!
But her career was short-lived as she never really made her "passion" her "profession" and chose to be a professor instead, trading her ghungroo for reading glasses.
And here I am, 22 years later, awkward as hell and graceless like an old man with ADHD.


I wish my mother would take up dancing as a full-time career instead of a life of academics and family. I love her to death, but I don't want to be another her.

So beautiful, so surreal and so incredibly talented…but such a waste.

What's the point in being a good person?
My mother is one of the most honest, loving and hardworking people you will ever come across, but where did it get her? She's stuck with a problem child like me forever now!

Nice people always lose the race in this world.

Cherish the time that you spend with me.

I will be gone soon.

Forever.

Nothing makes sense anymore.

I am in pain.

I am in pain.

I am in pain.

In a strange new land.

Strange faces.

Strange memories.

Where nothing makes sense anymore.

I am in pain.

I am in pain.

I am in pain.

Only you can help me heal.

I should have cherished the time we spent together.

Taken pictures of ourselves.

Written each other little notes.

But we didn't.

We thought we were invincible.

But you're gone now.

It makes me sad.

I am in pain.

I am in pain.

I am in pain.

The loop is endless.