What Now?

I’ve laid out all my cards on the table.

What next, what now?

The voice in my head is worried,

“What if no body loves me like you did again?”

It’s such a shame, I was starting to get used to feeling so good about myself.

Come Together

The moonlight pours in through the windows, I seem to have lost control of my brain and my body.

On top, it's like I'm not even present. I’m somewhere else, I’m with you. 

Familiar sensation, familiar contours of your body, familiar taste of your mouth. I can't even begin to describe how good it feels. I'm about to implode, I can't handle so much pleasure.

We kiss, we orgasm together. My heart is breaking to let you go, but that's not love now is it. 

I will love you, keep you in my heart always and forever. 

Implosion

I tried to count today, the number wouldn't fit on my fingertips. 

That's a sign, too many.

I don't remember most. I only slightly remember how I felt at the time. 

Call it a day, hang up the boots.

But there's still so much more to experience for the first time.

Or is there?

So deep inside of me,

I wish you stay forever. 

Cold Cold Man

I can't see into the future,

A future, 

any future.

How did it get so incredibly difficult to navigate?

I want to close my eyes, stay in bed, hold him and sleep. Keep me safe from my nightmares, even if it's only a temporary solution.

I like how we're both so sober and he'll kiss me down there for hours. Not to return some sort of a favour but because he genuinely enjoys my taste.

So wet, as I run my hands through his grey, salt & pepper hair. He'll lick me clean again and again, I'm in paradise.

Later, he'll hold my hand when he's deep deep inside of me. I don't want to listen to what he whispers into my ears. 

In my mind I want him to be a cold, cold man so I don't fall in love.

But he isn't. He'll kiss me long after we've finished. Together. Oh no, why can't he make things easy for me and be some sort of a charming villain instead? 

Choose

I know you want to fuck me, there's nothing more to it than that. You're a decade older, my body is firm and tight in all the right places.

But you're never going to allow yourself to be vulnerable enough to make love to me now would you?

I like sleeping in his arms, he holds me tight and I feel secure like a child. He hugs my abandonment issues away.

You're so fucken Brian Kinney when all I really want is a Mike to my Phoebe 

"boyfriend"

Modern day relationships are hard. Harder still if you don't like conventional things and patterns. 

I hate the "what are we" cloud that looms over when you start spending a lot of time with someone. I guess I've been so busy having affairs and fairy tale romances that I've forgotten what the correct dating etiquette is.

My brain goes into panic mode when we start to fight. "Why am I fighting with him, he's not my boyfriend...but he is, isn't he? Oh shit!"

I haven't done this for so long, for fuck's sake, I don't do boyfriends, I have lovers. Sure, I'm telling myself that under my breath but the moment he arrives I know we're back to doing coupley things like cooking and lazing and fucking and cuddling and sleeping and that. 

I won't lie to myself but he feels more like a partner than just a lover, a muse. There's something about the sex too, I feel like I could let this one be a longer story than I'd originally anticipated. 

But oh well, what do I have to lose, I'm in love and that makes all my anxiety go away. 

Lover, Come Back Reprise

I miss feeling lightweight, carefree and soulful.

I miss you, I really do.

I let my mind wander, relive lazy days of monsoon, snuggling on my makeshift bed.

The city's dull, everything's all wrong, my heart is not in it anymore.

When you come back I'll shower you with kisses and cuddles and everything sugary sweet.

And even when you insist, I won't let you go..

A Thing

The man with grey hair and a sparkle in his eyes,

he tells me what he will to do to me,

he whispers naughty, naughty things.

I'm wet so wet so wet.

"Keep your eyes open"

Badbye

Baby, I will miss your big strong arms around me.

I will miss the light in your eyes, your face, your taste, your touch, your smell.

I will miss all the laughing and all the cuddling.

I will miss the intimacy, the stories and the adventures.

I will miss listening to your heartbeat.

I will miss the warmth of your soul.

I'm going to miss how easy you made it to fall in love with you, stay there. 

I will miss you, I will miss who I am when I'm with you.

Beautiful monsoon, lover, thank you. 

Baby Did A Bad, Bad Thing

"It's okay...it's okay" he says as he comforts me with his kisses.

I am in pain, well out of my comfort zone and rather intimidated.

"Can I come?"

Later, even after we've showered, I smell of his cologne. I smell of sex.

He enjoys my body. I enjoy his instructions.

"I don't do boyfriends...I have lovers"

Monsoon, you've turned out to be real special haven't you! 

Countdown

It's begun, the race against time.

The clock's ticking so fast, you'll be gone before I know it.

Beautiful pain.

Beautiful heartache.

And yet it doesn't scare me when he holds me and we sleep.

He's deep, so deep inside of me. I am vulnerable.

Gentle kisses, firm grip.

Our bodies entwine in ways unimaginable.

Lover, thank you for loving me. 

Product of Trauma

So deep rooted, it runs in my blood,

perhaps it is an essential part of my being,

I cry a little after the alcohol has hit my system,

unwillingly reliving some dark moments,

of unimaginable trauma.

I grow up, grow apart.

I run run run, 

like a shadow,

it follows,

my long history of unimaginable trauma. 

Anxiety

The vulnerability of familiarity,

the subsequent trauma of attachment,

I feel terribly sad.

I want the moment to last forever and after.

Kiss me, keep kissing me.

That's the only way to cheat time.

Hold me, hold me like our first time.

I want to stay in your arms forever. 

The night is long but unfortunately finite. 

Lover, You're All I Think About

Disease, like a drug.

You're all I think about.

I'm impatient.

I want your touch, I want your taste, I want your smell.

I want you inside me,

again and again and again. 

You leave me in a daze, my sense of reality is warped.

I only want your company, your time.

Sublime.

It's a feeling I haven't felt in a long, long time. 

26 and Then Some

It feels a little bit strange to see my beautiful boy this way. Of all the people I've cut out, he always found a way to claw right into my inner circle, my pillars of strength.

There've been so many birthdays of the boys landing up at 12am to wish me and get me hammered till I've knocked myself out. It's excruciating to not have him by my side as I go on my adventures. We're the same age now, I tell him. I remind him that it's my birthday. His stare is empty.

Beautiful boy, oh my beautiful boy, it's a long long road but you'll find your way home. We're all in this together. 

Nightmare

I'll have these recurring nightmares where you're still married and I'm the whore.

I'm so young, so young.

You're so charming.

Morning After

Even though we'll lay after, cuddle and talk about who we are, I can't help but feel overwhelmed by all the baggage I unintentionally carry.

I see his eyes change. There's no longer laughter but a deep concern. "Don't, I'm quite alright now"

...but am I?

I try and break my patterns, so careful to not set new  ones. For a brief moment I forget, I forget it all. The scars heal, they become horror stories that often incite more sadness than disgust. 

"I'm quite alright now...I guess" detaching myself to go smoke a cigarette outside.

But I crave for his touch, run back to him almost immediately.

I hate how safe I feel in his arms as he coaxes me to fall asleep. I hate how good it feels. I hate how he holds me and I bury my face in his chest. It'll be different when we wake up. I hate him for being so incredibly wonderful. How do I demonise him, my lover? I hate that I can't.

I kiss him, I kiss him for long. There's no music, only the sound of rain. I swear it's better than what they'd show you in movies. I eventually fall sleep, worn out, he holds me. I wish he wouldn't, it'd make it easier to let go later but he holds me tight. He doesn't let go.

When it ends I'll pinch myself so I know it wasn't all a dream.