So anyway, afternoons have now become my favourite time of the day. Every afternoon teaches me something. Yesterday taught me that a good, warm bubble bath can cure just about anything-fatigue, insomnia, sleepiness (?), fever. Heh, who knows, it maybe even cures cancer. It's like the substitute for gelusil (Yeah, I remember the gelusil bit from 'The Corridor', I LOVE it puro!)
Today afternoon taught me that I don't have to be anything that he wants, I'm already all that he needs. No seriously, my retard, who I must mention, is VERY retarded, is starting to change, for the better that too. I think it has a lot to do with time and it has a lot to do with maturity. Let's face it, people change with time. Relationships change with time. Experience makes us wiser, but only if we learn from the past, accept our flaws and move on. I know I have. I know he has too. But there is one point where we differ- I don't regret anything that I have done in the past. It makes me who I am. My soul has been killed in the past, my body has been raped in the past, my heart has been cut open and left to bleed time and again. But I don't regret it at all. I have moved on from time to time and learnt to love and learnt to love again. I'm happy now, not because he's with me but because I love him for who he is and not what I want him to be. He joked that my "pretty face" was what got him hooked, but he knows that he can't fool me that easily. It's that look-it's that look in his eyes that give him away. He can't fake it. No one can. He may fool me with his words, he may fool me with his actions. But that look is impossible to forge. He's in love and he knows that I know, no matter how hard at times he tries to keep that away from me. He's starting to let go of the wall that he once built so that nobody could hurt him, nobody he loved. It took some time, but we made it. So my lesson for today afternoon was that if your love is true then you shouldn't expect anything in return because love is largely supposed to be unconditional. (Love, mind you, not possessiveness or lust or fondness etc) But if you keep that in mind and learn to deal with your angst, then sooner or later you get that love back. Love after all is an emotion. You can't be in love all the time, just like you can't be happy or sad ALL the time. There is no guarantee that this will last forever and I have learnt from my past not to make any promises that I am not sure that I can keep. So it's about being "in the moment", the past and the future are immaterial. Love is about living the moment and taking as much as in as your heart can. Tomorrow may not be such a great day. I may not have such a moment of clarity. But like I said, all that doesn't matter. Tonight, when I go to bed, I'll go to bed with a smile on my face, knowing that I'll see him and feel him and be with him again tomorrow!
:)
