I am still finding it so hard getting used to being the second or the third priority for someone. It's a very new concept for me. I am driven by passion and so it's only fair that whoever I am with shares the same passion as I do and like me, I'm his number one priority too.
Having said that, my conscience is pricking me. Why is that I feel so guilty? Yes I HAVE moved on from my previous relationship and though we had the most perfect two years of our lives, it just had to end, we both have accepted that and parted ways, probably for the better.
It's not about that, it's about how I treated him so badly for two goddamn years without even realising.
He loved me unconditionally, from the bottom of his heart. He changed himself from time to time just to suit my needs. He was my shoulder to cry on every time I needed somebody. He tried so hard to be my perfect man, but what I did was nothing but to break his heart. I am ashamed of myself for not loving him back even close to how he loved me. I am ashamed of only seeing his flaws when all he tried to do was to be his genuine self in front of me.
I am not suggesting that we should get back together, I still have such feelings for him, I regret breaking up with him etc.
All I'm trying to say is that S, if you're reading this (hope you aren't), mere words cannot describe how horrible I feel looking back on the things that I've done and said. I've made you unhappy, I've made you cry and no matter how many times I tell you that I'm sorry, it's not going to undo all the wrong. But I wish I had been a better girlfriend to you. It's a good thing that we're not together anymore because trust me, you deserve MUCH better than what you had to face for over two long years.
SO every time my guy hurts me these days, I know it's just karma getting back at me. I have (unintentionally) hurt that one person who truly loved me in the past and so it's time for me to pay for what I did, I can't complain...But it's a fact, what you do to others, you get back...I'm getting it all back now. I am finally feeling the exact same things that I made him feel. It's so bizarre that it's actually creepy.
But we had our moments too, moments where I loved him like no one probably can, I'm hoping that those moments *will* count and lessen the punishment for my sins...who knows...
