Blew

Anything to be like you.
Anything to be liked by you.
Is there another reason?

Big clouds of smoke.
The biggest I have seen.
Is there another reason?

You could do anything.

So Less, Soul-less.

I wonder if I'm going to turn into a full blown alcoholic by the time I'm 30 years old. I started my day with some rum and I'm ending it with the same. It's not normal, at least not for a 21 year old. I don't drink too much, I don't act too crazy when drunk. I act normal and that's rather unhealthy.

I drink because it helps me reach other people, or rather it helps them reach me. I can't seem to relate to anyone. Don't get me wrong, I'm not a loner, but I just can't seem to be able to open up to another person beyond a certain point, feel as though I know them and they know me.

It's terrible to feel so lonely, day in and day out.

Depression has always been the dominant part of my bipolarity. I have been depressed for as long as I can remember. Depression is not a feeling, it's a disease that eats away whatever little hope you have left inside you.
There are days when I don't feel like getting out of bed at all, so I don't. I stay in bed all day doing nothing but bawling, but why? I don't know. That's what depression is for me. It's that feeling of sheer helplessness which makes you want to do nothing but cry.

So I cry sometimes. I cry a lot. But that's only for me to see, it's a secret that I tuck away from the rest of the world.

And I think of the physical abuse.
And the shame.
And the self-loathing.
And the pain.
And the heartbreak.

And I cry some more.

I wonder if I had been this damaged had I not been raped a decade back.
I wonder all sorts of things.
To make that sinking feeling go away. But nothing I do seems to be enough and I land up sabotaging my relationships with all those who are close to me in some way or the other.

It is a vicious cycle of abuse in a way. It doesn't end. It will never end.

The Passenger

If I could run away from this dying city, I would.
I would run away and never come back.
Vultures. Maggots. Urban vermin.

Getting high doesn't make sense anymore.
I need a better escape plan, a more permanent one.

I am my own passenger.
I ride.
"I am the passenger
And I ride and I ride" 

Heartbreak is never a good thing. What what do you do when you're the one causing it?

I've hit a new low and I don't know how to get back up from here.
Maybe I've been taking my idols more seriously than I should.

Wait, What?

I just realized that I have been in a normal, loving heterosexual relationship for so long that I've nearly forgotten what it's like to be with a woman. Don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with my current situation but it's just that men are too damn different from women. The yin can never be same as the yang!

Raw Meat

I realized today that I don't wear large, dangling earrings anymore. I used to have a huge collection when I was younger, but I've tucked them away into a box since.

I remember wearing my favourite pair when he came over to my place for the first time. I tried to dress my best and by best, I mean jeans, a t-shirt with a cool (read corny, I didn't realize back then!) slogan and cheap jewelry- the best a 12 year old can come up with. I washed my hair. Shaved my legs for the first time and wore my mother's perfume. I was nervous as he sat on my bed. I felt so tiny and insignificant sitting there next to him. I felt unsure of myself. I was clumsy and fidgety. 

I was playing with my earrings.

He told me that he liked them. He nibbled my ears. 

I was scared stiff. My vulnerability showed. He understood. He understood well.

I don't remember what happened after that as clearly as I used to anymore. I seem to have deliberately blocked out a large chunk of those memories, but sometimes a scene or two appear in a flash and I'm back to being the 12 year old wreck that I was.

I understand now why I find it so hard to give myself completely to others-be it family, friends or lovers. I always hold back just a little even though I don't want to. I don't think I can trust another person completely after what I've been through. I'm sorry that people around me have to put up with a lot of things that they wouldn't have to with other "normal" people, but I guess it's just the way I am, not the way I've become.

I've been hiding under a cloak of false bravado for so long now that I've forgotten what it's like to completely let go and trust another person to not hurt me like I've been hurt before-physically, but more importantly, mentally.

I've been hit, shamed and physically assaulted in the past, but it has never mattered because I've never let it get to me. It was my choice to be with people who clearly weren't nice human beings. But why did I chose them over others? 

To show him that I'm strong and nothing can break me.

To show him that I'm not a 12 year old anymore. I am aware of what a bad place the world can be for girls like me and that I choose to be victimized and nobody does anything to me against my will. Anymore.

I still wonder what I would do if I were to meet him again someday. Would he still see the vulnerability in me like he did nearly 10 years ago? Because I know that he, only he, the one person in the world, will still be able to make me feel that way. Scared. Unsure. Stupid. Ugly. But more importantly, just a silly little child who is clearly too big for her boots.

Trauma can be a funny thing, you never know what can trigger it. I found those earrings a while back and I'm wearing them as I write this.

But can I wear it outside, in front of others?

I'm not that strong yet.

We Never Change

Change is the only thing that's constant they say. But I don't think that's true. Humans are incapable of change. They may walk down a different road or two, they always come back to where they started from. We never change. We only keep running in this elaborately created circle which gives us the illusion that we are moving forward somewhere, with each passing day.
I wish I could be a writer, I'm jealous of the kind who can describe the exact things they feel, through words. I can't. I just lose the plot halfway through...much like this post.

Anyway, I've deviated far too much to get back to what I wanted to talk about in the first place. I've gone back to writing my journal like I used to, penning down my thoughts helps me from going crazy somehow. I think I really am losing my mind.

I've been depressed for weeks and weeks at a stretch now. Nothing makes me happy. Good times come and they go, but I can't seem to hold on to any.

I am sad and I don't know why.

Butterflies in my stomach

and a bunny rabbit on my bed.

I wish I could trade my life with yours instead.

Anger (Mis)Management

I pop a pill or two to feel calm once in a while.

But they don't seem to work no more.

What am I to do when my dreams are dying?

I ingest pegs of whiskey too many, too few.

But they don't get me high no more.

How much more can I do when I'm already trying?

Come and take away my sense of pride.

Come and take away my reason to stay alive.

Come and devour my body, rip it into pieces.

Like you always do with my head.

"If That Day Comes, I Know We Can Win"

Down in the gutter where everything looks fancy,

we live our whole lives.

We live in a box.

We run in circles.

Only to lose it all in the end.

Down in the gutter where everything looks fancy,

he is the king and she is the queen.

But they live in a room of mirrors.

They call it their 'followers'.

Oh, the mediocrity.

Oh, the hypocrisy.

Wearing a different mask for each day of the week.

For people in the gutter need something to talk about too.

Love As Straight As Your Sexuality.

Nobody likes bisexuals. We're much like the bats from the birds and animals story, we don't belong to the straight club and neither do we fit into the gay club. It's a little depressing to think that our sexual preference often makes us come across as promiscuous and hence loose. I've heard enough jokes made both in front of me as well as behind my back to know that the ridicule has to be taken with a pinch of salt.

But what I don't get is why straight people have to be such homophobic assholes. If we don't judge you for your narrow-mindedness and your bogus notions of perversion and sin, then why do you judge us for who we choose to love?
I'm lucky that I've been able to partially come out of the closet (I say partially because I accept myself for who I am but having said that, I don't let my sexual preference be the only thing that defines who I am) but not everyone is as privileged. I don't get why some people have to be such cowards. If you happen to be a boy and like cock or a girl and like pussy, who the fuck cares? How the fuck does it even matter what someone ELSE thinks about YOU?

Please don't let judge-y judges dictate and impose what they think is acceptable in this society and suppress who you are.
Please don't think of yourself as abnormal just because you're not "like everyone else"

Fuck everyone else.
They don't matter.
People will hate on you without reason anyway.

Love whoever the fuck you want to.
Love them regardless of their gender.
If you want to dress like a man, do so.
If you want to dress like a woman, go ahead.
Nobody has the right to make you confirm.
Our notions of gender roles are so primitive, so schizophrenic.
Fuck what society expects of you.

If you want to bat for both teams, go ahead man.
Like the joke goes, it doubles your chances for a date on a saturday night!

What Would Brian Kinney Do?

Chin up, soldier.
Don't let what they say bring you down.
It's your battle, not theirs anyway!

Fuck This City

Not dying, but dead.

This city, my city.

My whole life.

Ugly faces, uglier souls.

No ambition, no aspiration.

Time passes by like a chore.

Uninspiring.

Corrupt.

Banal.

Mediocre minds living in a bubble.

Trying to bring down whoever dares to rise.

Inconsequential.

This city, my city.

My home.

Beady Eyes

I was fucking you when I was with someone.
I was fucking you when I was with the next one.
I was fucking you even though we both knew that it was immoral and a sin.

We made out in dirty public restrooms, taxis, random rooftops and poorly lit roads that led to nowhere.
We shared secrets that you have taken with you to your grave.

I don't miss you because I miss you.
I only think of you because I know that I can never have you again..

Why So Fictitious?

Brian Kinney, Queer As Folk

Chuck Bass, Gossip Girl

Jonny Quest, The Real Adventures of Jonny Quest

Donald Draper, Mad Men

Jessica Day, New Girl

Debra Morgan, Dexter

Justin Taylor, Queer As Folk

Marnie Michaels, Girls

Jackson Braddock, Desperate Housewives.

Okay, forget about the last one, I only added it because I was looking for an excuse to add another Gale Harold picture to the list.

Lovesong

I love you more than I love myself.

But I lie so well.

I lie so well.

And I don't know how to make it stop.

I need you more than I need myself.

But I lie so well.

Oh, I lie so well.

And I've managed to fool everybody.

I want you.

I want to be with you.

I want you to want me.

One more time.

Just to refresh the memory.

I've been obsessing about you for far too long.

But I never had you.

You never gave yourself to me completely.

I'm tired of waiting for you to come back.

I need to move on now.

I need to crawl back into my shell.

And only come out when I start my next life...

Big Long Now

What charm.
What grace.
What a man.
What a mighty good man.
But let me open your can of worms tonight, please.

Lay down beside me like you did so many years ago.
Whisper all those marvelous things into my ear.
Make me nervous.
Make me beg.
But most importantly, don't come before I do...

Self Service

I admire people who can successfully get off  on their own. A lot of people find it appalling, but I, for one am quite jealous of those who can pleasure themselves, climax without being dependent on someone else. Human beings have this constant need to be in a group or with someone else.
We eat, for ourselves.
We shit, for ourselves.
So why can't we masturbate to please ourselves? What is so abnormal about it?

What is abnormal, is the constant need to molest and rape.
What is abnormal, is pedophilia.
What is abnormal, is how people are okay with rape but not with masturbation in this country.

I wish I was asexual sometimes. That is how I am expected to portray myself infront of others anyway. Or else I might just get raped. Again!