A Piece That I Wrote In My head

Like savage birds mating in the wild,

Up in the deep blue sky,

floating around with the wind,

they dance, they fight, they fly.

A palette of colours,

in a variety of themes,

little boys and grown men,

lost in their dreams.

Some lose,

some claim their prize,

some just laze around,

while some truly mesmerize.

I have been there before,

but now I have grown,

and that part of me still cries out,

-it is something I can't live without.

And so I walked back home,

My feet hurt, and my heart is sore,

I have come back home, only to find,

that nobody flies kites anymore...

Loneliness. Just a little bit.

When I look into the mirror, I see only the void. The void in my eyes. The void takes over me. The void. A void. Avoid, the void.

I wish I was you. But I am not. I can never be.

I wish I was a bird-I'd fly away.

I wish I was a raindrop-I'd fall on you and make you happy.
I wish I was a flower-I'd blossom, even if it were for a day.

When I look into the mirror, I only see a shadow. I see not who I am, but who I want to be. Am I really who I think I am? Who am I, am I me or am I only pretending to be?

I wish I was a river-I'd go on forever.

I wish I was a rainbow, lighting up the sky.

I wish I was the smile on your face.

As you wave goodbye.

And now I'm all alone again, trying to hide the pain with ritalin and glue...love is a sad, sad song...really...

I Can't Get This Friggin Song Outta My Head

"This is the end

Beautiful friend
This is the end
My only friend, the end

Of our elaborate plans, the end
Of everything that stands, the end
No safety or surprise, the end
Ill never look into your eyes...again

Can you picture what will be
So limitless and free
Desperately in need...of some...strangers hand
In a...desperate land

Lost in a roman...wilderness of pain
And all the children are insane
All the children are insane
Waiting for the summer rain, yeah

Theres danger on the edge of town
Ride the kings highway, baby
Weird scenes inside the gold mine
Ride the highway west, baby

Ride the snake, ride the snake
To the lake, the ancient lake, baby
The snake is long, seven miles
Ride the snake...hes old, and his skin is cold

The west is the best
The west is the best
Get here, and well do the rest

The blue bus is callin us
The blue bus is callin us
Driver, where you taken us

The killer awoke before dawn, he put his boots on
He took a face from the ancient gallery
And he walked on down the hall
He went into the room where his sister lived, and...then he
Paid a visit to his brother, and then he
He walked on down the hall, and
And he came to a door...and he looked inside
Father, yes son, I want to kill you
Mother...i want to...fuck you

Cmon baby, take a chance with us
Cmon baby, take a chance with us
Cmon baby, take a chance with us
And meet me at the back of the blue bus
Doin a blue rock
On a blue bus
Doin a blue rock
Cmon, yeah

Kill, kill, kill, kill, kill, kill

This is the end
Beautiful friend
This is the end
My only friend, the end

It hurts to set you free
But youll never follow me
The end of laughter and soft lies
The end of nights we tried to die

This is the end"

-James Douglas Morrison

Supermassive Black Hole

My procrastination is taking it's toll on me. Like for example, I named this post 'Supermassive Black Hole' after the song by Muse which was playing on my mp3 player (which is always on shuffle mode) , but by the time that i started, three songs had finished playing already. heh. And i have no idea where this post is going to go. A bigger heh.

Today is the merry occasion of "Happy Friendship Day", a day which gives losers and loners the license to use the line "will you make/do frandsheep with me?" without getting hit in the face. My "frandsheep" day has been a disaster so far, I fucking hate such occasions- frandsheep days, merry Christmases, happy new years, happy holis and even happy buddays, they remind me what a loser I actually am as I see people flock together and make merry in the streets-enjoying and laughing their worries away. These people annoy me, what fucking right do they have to be so happy when I waste away, wallowing in self-pity?

Well, I hate to admit this but maybe I can't stand these people because secretly, I am nothing but jealous of them..Will I ever see the light? Wont I be happy for a change?!

Though I don't want to, the countdown has begun in my pretty little head already-I shall turn 18 in another 5 days. My list of things-to-do-before-I-am-18 has still not been completed and it's getting a little pissing off now...Dhyat!!

I am yet to moon somebody and try to drive a car. Apart from this, I still need to make out with three people to get the desired number (which I shall obviously not reveal here!) The sad part is that I don't have anyone to make out with..I mean I do, but they don't count because I have already made out with them. A bigger dhyat!

It's not fair to love you anymore.

You're my perfect girl.

But even if you're mine,

I will have to shield you from the world.

ugghh!

There was a boy who broke my heart into a million little pieces

and put every single piece back together,

the one who made me laugh and cry,

alternating like the weather...

There was a boy who clipped my wings and locked me up,

in his little heart-shaped cage,

letting me sink in my sea of tears

of love, misery and rage...

you're a free bird,

flying high in the sky,

there was never a start,

so can there ever be a goodbye?

Pari Hoon Main

(yes, this post is a direct influence of Suneeta Rao's song, titled the same...The song has been haunting me for a long time now, so here it goes...)

Feel my pulse,

can you hear how viciously my heart beats from within?

Look at me,

can you see the goosebumps on my skin?

I am a gift from God.

I am the angel of life.

From me you are born.

For me you survive.

Look into your heart,

does it cry out my name?

Look into my eyes,

can you see the camoflauged pain?

I am the illusion in your mind.

I am the reaper of death in this land.

Awaiting my fate,

that lies in your hand..

Na na mujhe chhoona na,

dur hi rehna

Pari hoon main.

Pari hoon main

Mujhe na chhoona,

Pari hoon main.

Early Birthday Present part II

(refer to the older post for the first 7...)

8. I don't just do things to be "cool"..but in reality, very honestly, I AM like that. Take the piercings for example, I got them because I am a sick twisted individual who enjoys gratification through pain. It makes me a masochist, but I don't really think that I give a fuck!

9. I don't have a fetish for porn. Contrary to what a lot of you may think, I am quite disgusted by it actually. However, I do have a crush on Jesse Santana, hence the overdose of gay porn clips in my hard disk!

10. I am a sucker for good lyrics. No I DON'T care how brilliant the solo is...give me good lyrics and I'll be addicted to the damn song forever.

11. I kiss and tell and I do it quite unabashedly.

12. I think I'm really in love with Edward Cullen. Damn you Stephenie Meyer!!!

13. Sometimes I really feel like running away and starting life afresh in some new place where people wouldn't judge me just because I am an open-minded person and do things my way.

14. I cried the day MJ died. I don't know why, but I did..

15. I am a procrastinator. The mere fact that this follow-up post took me so long to post speaks volumes of my procrastination, doesn't it?!

16. I started to appreciate Anthony Kiedis and RHCP AFTER I read his book. The funny thing is that I didn't even take any interest in it before I forced myself to start reading it. Whereas, I bought Clapton's autobiography on the same day, came back home and started to read it...but I haven't finished it till date!

17. The number of times that I have watched Fight Club, Requiem for A Dream and Cruel Intentions is scarily unhealthy, but I will continue to do so till some other better movies come my way!

18. Thank god this is over!!

Avoid. The Void.

I am convinced that I am going crazy, i.e, losing whatever little is left of mind with each passing day.

I look outside the window-it's raining. The monsoons would always make me happy earlier, but now they just remind me of how big a failure I really am.

Love.

It's always about the love.

The love that my parents never really gave me when I was a child.

The love that I could feel for them.

They love me and I love them now, but it's not the same. The damage has been done.

It's always about the love.

The love that my friends exchanged for jealousy and selfishness as we grew out of playing with dolls.

I can't love them or forgive them anymore. I'm not that big a saint.

It's always about the love.

The love that he promised to shower me with while he raped me. Repeatedly.

The unfulfilled love and the appreciation and the approval that haunts me till date.

The more I run away, the more they catch up with me...it's not about the sex and the drugs and the i-don't-give-a-fuck-attitude...there's more to me than that.

I am not all that strong, I just pretend to be.

Shielding my true-self from others makes me happy and at the same time, it also makes me feel secure. I'm safe from this cruel cruel cruel world when I am in my shell. No one can come close to me-I won't let them.

I hide in my shell so that nobody can neglect me..nobody can betray me...nobody can abuse me. Is that a very wrong thing to do?

My Girl...

I was hooked to her the minute she set her doe shaped eyes on me. If only I could tell her what was on my mind-I'd tel her that I'd forever treat her like a princess. All she had to do was to trust me..

I looked at her longer than than I should have that day, it landed me in trouble. But it also landed me in paradise.

We moved closer. The spot on her chin, rubbed my finger against it. I held her by the chin. I looked at her lips, which were drawing me closer to her.

I touched my lips with hers at first. She reciprocated. I felt her hair. I felt the excitement rise in her. She held me by my waist. We kissed.

We kissed.

We kissed.

We kissed.

We kissed some more.

I nibbled her ear. I felt her caressing me. I kissed her neck. I felt goosebumps on my skin, she felt them too. She rubbed her hand over them. She felt the tension in my body rise.

We kissed.

We kissed.

We kissed some more.

Gentle as a doe...that's how I will always remember her...My girl..

*sigh*

The finish. The start.

The broken heart.

The broken home. The wasted youth.

The lie and the truth.

The pain and the bliss.

The first kiss.

The first. The last.

The present and the past.

Now. Here.

The lost, lonely tear.

That I fight alone.

With nobody to call my own.

I waste away in solitude...

the man who became the love of my life!

(my first merge...yes,all comments have been disabled in this blog, now you see why? :D)

(From The Journal)

Little Miss Bipolar, walking down the road.

You're the one I need,

Not because I love you, but because I'm bored.

I'm a beast.

I'm the queen.

On me you think you feast.

But you should know better.

Little Miss Bipolar, sitting on the grass.

Tearing you with her eyes,

Till all that remains is your carcass.

I'm the lioness.

I'm the lamb.

I'm a mess.

But you should know better.

Little Miss Bipolar, naked to the bone.

Fuck me all you want

Cause after that you're on your own, alone.

I'm the dream.

I'm the nightmare.

-dark as a sunbeam

But you should know better!

She

she waits.

she waits for you to talk to her.

she waits for you to return her calls.

she waits for you to reply to her messages.

but you never do.

how much would a little appreciation hurt you?

she waits.

she waits at the dinner table.

she waits for you to take her out dancing.

she waits for you to open up to her.

each and every single day.

but beware my friend, one day she'll go away...

she's the love you can never replace.

she's the one whose face

you have contorted into a mess.

she's the angel without wings.

playing on her broken strings

the sweet song of happiness.

she used to wait for you.

she used to wait for you to run to her.

she used to wait for you to embrace her.

but you never did.

and now you're too late

to change your fate

of battling it out alone...

An Early Birthday Present

As you may, or may not know, I turn 18 on the 7th of August 2009, which happens to be less than two months away. So before I sink into depression at the thought of turning yet another year older and having done nothing worth mentioning so far, I have decided to confess. Yes, CONFESS 18 things that you bet you didn't not know about me....in fact things that even I, myself did not know about me!

(Yes, CBSE insists that we write all our answers in point form, so I am practising it here as well...)

1. I STILL like Nick Carter and the Backstreet Boys, he was my first love and probably always be..i will never be able to get over him.

As a kid, I would collect their pictures/interviews/articles/CD jackets and all other materials related to them. I would then store them in a cute little folder, which remains one of my most prized possessions till date.

2. I am bisexual but sometimes I think that the truth is that I am just an overtly sexual person, if there was a third sex on earth, I'd probably be interested in them as well!

It's not really my fault, but since I did experience the act of physical love at a very young age (I prefer not to use the term "rape" cause I am still not too comfortable adjusting to the fact that I was a victim) I have always felt the need to be wanted, which I often fill with sex and physicality.

3. I may be tough and can handle immense physical pain, but I am a very emotional and sentimental person. The physical pain gratifies what I feel within. I often hurt/cut myself in order to "feel the pain in the body that I feel in my heart" (the quote is from the movie 'A Feast Of Love' which I found mesmerizing)

So all my piercings have a story behind them. So do all the scars that I hide under layers of pretentious clothing.

4. Okay this one may piss a lot of people off, but it is the truth. I have no real friends who I can count on when I need someone to stand by me, help me out in times of need. I SUCK when it comes to choosing the right people to be friends with. As a result of which I have retreated into my shell. I never show my true feelings and I never ever give away what's on my mind. It sucks when you realise that all along, people were just using you for their own selfish reasons. I have had my heart crushed too many damn times and I don't think I can ever recover from all the hurt and the pain that certain individuals have caused me. I swear to myself that I shall take revenge on them but somehow I can never bring myself to cause harm to others. Maybe I am a fool. Maybe I am a coward, but that's how I am.

5. I don't think that sex on the first date is too bad an idea if the vibes are right!

6. I love animals, of all kinds, shapes, sizes and temperaments. I had a dog but she died when I was pretty young, 10 years old I think. I'll never forget how I felt at that time. I love her. I miss her all the time.

I love cats too, when I was a kid, I would spend most of my time at my grandparents' house, which was filled with cats. My favourite one was Mr. Pootiram, I still remember those days when I'd go off to sleep in the afternoon and he quietly jump onto the bed and snuggle-in right beside me. I'd wake up to find him asleep in my arms. He would lick me all over my face and then give me slap with his paw. It was a rather funny way of expressing his was, but that's how he would go about it!

I also had a cat called Phyachang (meaning "fuss" in Bengali) who found me on my way back home one night. I christened him after I realised that he was no ordinary cat, his likes and dislikes were rather strong. Phyachang grew up in front of my eyes. he disappeared one fine day, I went crazy searching for him. I waited endlessly for him, but he never came back.

7.This sounds really geeky and abnormal, but I don't like cheating. Not in school, not in life, nowhere, under no circumstances. I know it makes me uncool, but I just can't get myself to cheat. Sure, I have done it a couple of times, but I have felt horribly guilty afterwards. I would much rather face the consequences for not putting in the required effort than be praised for something that I have achieved using unfair means.

(to be continued..)

...

For you I can die.

Or at least try.

I can wipe away your tears.

But I cannot love you.

For you I shall change.

Not be so strange.

I can help you fight your fears.

But I cannot love you.

What more do you want from me?

What more can I give you?

When The Insomnia Takes Over.

Today I shall post something. Something I shall post today. Post something today I shall. I shall post something today. Blah!Okay, here it goes. I got a tattoo, wanna see??

THE STENCIL

AND SO IT BEGINS

"Dude, not fair, this does not hurt.."

THE FINISHED PRODUCT.

It's 3:30 am in the morning, what else do you expect?!

Insomnia

I haven't been sleeping too well over the last couple of days. My nocturnal nature is slowly making way for insomnia. I cant sleep, no matter how hard I try. I don't want to sleep. It's like a disease that's draining me out. A disease which has been creeping in, slow and steady.

Watching Fight Club to solve my problems turned out to be a rather bad idea. Now, I am just some crazy-psychotic Tyler Durden fan. I mean c'mon, WHAT A FUCKING MOVIE MAN, WHAT A FUCKING AMAZING MOVIE, who the fuck can top THAT?!

But where I am right now is a lonely place. Except for the voice in my head which seems to be getting the better of me these days. Other than that, I am lost in my own forest, nobody can figure out where I am and how to get there. My counsellor tells me that at the end of the day, I am too much of a private person to enjoy being social and guess what, she's absolutely right. My perception of pleasure is fucked up. It's different from yours. I can never be like you, I'm too different and too indifferent to even try.

The results of my IQ test lies in front of me,something that my mother had tried really hard to keep away from me, but too bad, I'm more cunning than what she thinks I am.

It says that I have a score of fucking 129 (no shit!! :P), thus putting me in the category of "Intellectually Superior". In case you don't get how high it is, it's not high enough to get me into the MENSA right away, but let me tell you reader, it puts me towards the top, along with only 6.7% of the total population. Think you can beat that?

I take pride in my intellect. I value my intellect. But at the same time I never think twice before abusing it mercilessly!

Yay me? I think not.

It's always lonely on top.

Cigarettes. Coffee. And life.

But I wish there was more to it than that!

Love Is A Sad Sad Song

I drown.

In my pool of tears.

Of sweat.

Tears.

Semen.

Why can't you see that this wont last forever?

Don't look away.

Don't look at me.

I cry.

Myself to sleep.

Dreams.

Nightmares.

Why can't you see that this wont last forever?

I drown.

In my sea of sorrow.

Self pity.

Love.

Hate.

Indifference.

Why can't you see that this wont last forever?

There is no such thing as a happy ending....