An Early Birthday Present

As you may, or may not know, I turn 18 on the 7th of August 2009, which happens to be less than two months away. So before I sink into depression at the thought of turning yet another year older and having done nothing worth mentioning so far, I have decided to confess. Yes, CONFESS 18 things that you bet you didn't not know about me....in fact things that even I, myself did not know about me!

(Yes, CBSE insists that we write all our answers in point form, so I am practising it here as well...)

1. I STILL like Nick Carter and the Backstreet Boys, he was my first love and probably always be..i will never be able to get over him.

As a kid, I would collect their pictures/interviews/articles/CD jackets and all other materials related to them. I would then store them in a cute little folder, which remains one of my most prized possessions till date.

2. I am bisexual but sometimes I think that the truth is that I am just an overtly sexual person, if there was a third sex on earth, I'd probably be interested in them as well!

It's not really my fault, but since I did experience the act of physical love at a very young age (I prefer not to use the term "rape" cause I am still not too comfortable adjusting to the fact that I was a victim) I have always felt the need to be wanted, which I often fill with sex and physicality.

3. I may be tough and can handle immense physical pain, but I am a very emotional and sentimental person. The physical pain gratifies what I feel within. I often hurt/cut myself in order to "feel the pain in the body that I feel in my heart" (the quote is from the movie 'A Feast Of Love' which I found mesmerizing)

So all my piercings have a story behind them. So do all the scars that I hide under layers of pretentious clothing.

4. Okay this one may piss a lot of people off, but it is the truth. I have no real friends who I can count on when I need someone to stand by me, help me out in times of need. I SUCK when it comes to choosing the right people to be friends with. As a result of which I have retreated into my shell. I never show my true feelings and I never ever give away what's on my mind. It sucks when you realise that all along, people were just using you for their own selfish reasons. I have had my heart crushed too many damn times and I don't think I can ever recover from all the hurt and the pain that certain individuals have caused me. I swear to myself that I shall take revenge on them but somehow I can never bring myself to cause harm to others. Maybe I am a fool. Maybe I am a coward, but that's how I am.

5. I don't think that sex on the first date is too bad an idea if the vibes are right!

6. I love animals, of all kinds, shapes, sizes and temperaments. I had a dog but she died when I was pretty young, 10 years old I think. I'll never forget how I felt at that time. I love her. I miss her all the time.

I love cats too, when I was a kid, I would spend most of my time at my grandparents' house, which was filled with cats. My favourite one was Mr. Pootiram, I still remember those days when I'd go off to sleep in the afternoon and he quietly jump onto the bed and snuggle-in right beside me. I'd wake up to find him asleep in my arms. He would lick me all over my face and then give me slap with his paw. It was a rather funny way of expressing his was, but that's how he would go about it!

I also had a cat called Phyachang (meaning "fuss" in Bengali) who found me on my way back home one night. I christened him after I realised that he was no ordinary cat, his likes and dislikes were rather strong. Phyachang grew up in front of my eyes. he disappeared one fine day, I went crazy searching for him. I waited endlessly for him, but he never came back.

7.This sounds really geeky and abnormal, but I don't like cheating. Not in school, not in life, nowhere, under no circumstances. I know it makes me uncool, but I just can't get myself to cheat. Sure, I have done it a couple of times, but I have felt horribly guilty afterwards. I would much rather face the consequences for not putting in the required effort than be praised for something that I have achieved using unfair means.

(to be continued..)

...

For you I can die.

Or at least try.

I can wipe away your tears.

But I cannot love you.

For you I shall change.

Not be so strange.

I can help you fight your fears.

But I cannot love you.

What more do you want from me?

What more can I give you?

When The Insomnia Takes Over.

Today I shall post something. Something I shall post today. Post something today I shall. I shall post something today. Blah!Okay, here it goes. I got a tattoo, wanna see??

THE STENCIL

AND SO IT BEGINS

"Dude, not fair, this does not hurt.."

THE FINISHED PRODUCT.

It's 3:30 am in the morning, what else do you expect?!

Insomnia

I haven't been sleeping too well over the last couple of days. My nocturnal nature is slowly making way for insomnia. I cant sleep, no matter how hard I try. I don't want to sleep. It's like a disease that's draining me out. A disease which has been creeping in, slow and steady.

Watching Fight Club to solve my problems turned out to be a rather bad idea. Now, I am just some crazy-psychotic Tyler Durden fan. I mean c'mon, WHAT A FUCKING MOVIE MAN, WHAT A FUCKING AMAZING MOVIE, who the fuck can top THAT?!

But where I am right now is a lonely place. Except for the voice in my head which seems to be getting the better of me these days. Other than that, I am lost in my own forest, nobody can figure out where I am and how to get there. My counsellor tells me that at the end of the day, I am too much of a private person to enjoy being social and guess what, she's absolutely right. My perception of pleasure is fucked up. It's different from yours. I can never be like you, I'm too different and too indifferent to even try.

The results of my IQ test lies in front of me,something that my mother had tried really hard to keep away from me, but too bad, I'm more cunning than what she thinks I am.

It says that I have a score of fucking 129 (no shit!! :P), thus putting me in the category of "Intellectually Superior". In case you don't get how high it is, it's not high enough to get me into the MENSA right away, but let me tell you reader, it puts me towards the top, along with only 6.7% of the total population. Think you can beat that?

I take pride in my intellect. I value my intellect. But at the same time I never think twice before abusing it mercilessly!

Yay me? I think not.

It's always lonely on top.

Cigarettes. Coffee. And life.

But I wish there was more to it than that!

Love Is A Sad Sad Song

I drown.

In my pool of tears.

Of sweat.

Tears.

Semen.

Why can't you see that this wont last forever?

Don't look away.

Don't look at me.

I cry.

Myself to sleep.

Dreams.

Nightmares.

Why can't you see that this wont last forever?

I drown.

In my sea of sorrow.

Self pity.

Love.

Hate.

Indifference.

Why can't you see that this wont last forever?

There is no such thing as a happy ending....

Bisexuality.

I like kissing boys.

I like kissing girls too.

If you think that's gross then you shouldn't really be reading my blog now, should you?!

Anyway, here's a tribute to all those good times:

I like boys,

the way their touch gets my heart beating ten times faster,

the look that they have in their eyes when they want you.

their lust filled crooked smiles,

their aggression,

the way they always want to crush you,yet at the same time are afraid of hurting you,

they way they just are,

obsessing about boobs, beer and cars!

I like girls,

the way their hair falls on their face,

the way they act even more coy when they want you,

the way it makes me sigh in disbelief every time I kiss them,

their soft cheeks,

their smooth perfumed skin,

the way they are,

keeping their gaze on the ground yet aiming for the stars!

"Everybody's Changing/And I Don't Feel The Same..."

I find myself at that very junction which I had crossed a couple of years back. The junction which led me to where I am now. But unfortunately, I took the road that led me right back to where I had started from and now, I find myself in dark, on the brink of reliving all my mistakes again.

I was different back then...in the past. I tried to change. I tried to fit in. But I failed. I want go back now, but I find myself trapped in this maze. I cant see the light anymore. I can never get out.

It's sad how I get crushed every single time, like a dead dry forgotten leaf. It's sad how people change all of a sudden when you need them the most. It's sad how nothing ever works out. It's sad how happiness is a drug-it leaves one begging for more, it's addictive, it shows you all the things that you want to see, only to disappear in a flash.

I stand here at the crossroads, all alone. I need a shoulder to cry on. I need someone to guide me. But what the hell, nobody seems to care. They've moved on. They don't care about me anymore. They're done using me, so why bother to lend me a hand?

THAT'S how I feel-used. 

To come to think of it, that is the way it has always been. I have been USED time and again by people, who I have fiercely tried to cling on to. THAT is the truth. Nobody gives a fuck after they're done using me. It's sad, but it's also the truth. But what is sadder is the fact that I fall for it EVERY SINGLE TIME. 

I am a stupid fuck. I am a loser with zero self-esteem. I am an emotionally unstable whore. I am a fucking bipolar bisexual scum on the face of this earth. I am the kind you would treat as a slave. I am a shallow bitch wallowing in self pity. 

Did you ever really love me or was it just a line to fuck me? Did I ever mean anything to you or was it just so that I would give you a blow job? Was I ever good enough for you or was I just someone you visited when you were bored? Did you even like me or was your motive only to exploit my innocence? Was I ever of any value to you or were you just exploring other possibilities cause your girlfriend wouldn't give in to your perverted sexual fantasies?

Do you even know my name or am I just some whore you go to for free?

I find myself all alone, but then again, this is probably my karma trying to get back at me for hurting the ones who have ever loved me truly.

Even if it that is the case, why isn't YOUR karma waking up to all those horrible things that you have done to me, all the pain that you have caused?

Why is it always me who cries herself to sleep while you go to bed with a smile on your face?

Why am I always the villain and not you?

Heartache

I.

It's always about me.

Who the fuck are you?

All I wanted was to love you.

But I broke your heart.

Into a million little pieces.

Right here, where I stand.

And now I know not what to do.

I cry myself to sleep. At night.

But waking up is harder.

The next morning, knowing that things wont get better.

Me.

I always think about myself first.

Not you.

All I wanted was to be with you.

But I bound you to me forever.

And now you cant break free.

Even if I wanted you to.

Duality.

My bipolarity seems to be reaching new levels. The two personalities that exist within me are the two opposites of human nature. 

One is the friendly, peaceful and the ordinary one-Suyasha. Suyasha is the facade that you see everyday. The mask that I wear under normal circumstances. Most people only get to see Suyasha and sooner or later, they are all convinced that I am not acting, I AM her. Sometimes I wish I could BE her and not just pretend. Life would have been a lot simpler then. But then again, it sure as hell wouldn't be any fun if the other persona did not exist-Vana.

Vana, forest; wild and savage...animalistic. THAT is the other me. Vana is also the 'nirvana' minus the 'nir'.  A good friend of mine who I was fucking a long time back, adopted the name 'nir' and named me 'vana'. As you may have guessed, we were both madly in love with Kurt Cobain and we still are and probably will always be.

Vana is the one who'll intimidate you. She'll bring you down. She is filled with passion. With pain. With suffering. With burdens she can no longer carry. She is dark and brooding, haunted by her the demons that mess with her head at all times. 

Suyasha is the one firmly rooted to the ground. Her rigid boundaries have been drawn for her and she seldom crosses them. She is humane. She is the one with morals. With ethics. But she's also the one who is too afraid to try new things for she fears that she may fail. She sits in her dark corner, too afraid to go out into the light because the sun may burn her.

Vana is the goddess you look up to. The daring one. The mighty one. The liberal one. The one who has fallen from grace too may times before. The one who has been used too many times. The one who is a fighter, but the one who secretly cries herself to sleep at night. The one who wallows in self-pity and in self-disgust.

Suyasha tries to shut Vana out. But only temporarily. Vana fights her way back in.

Vana tries to overpower Suyasha. She succeeds. Suyasha claws back in again.

It's a circle.

Of life and death.

Good and bad.

Yin and yang.

I am not perfect, I am not even close.

Neither is Suyasha.

Neither is Vana.

But they're trying hard. Very hard. 

They're messing with my head.

I am not schizophrenic.

Neither do I have a split personality.

I have a mind that likes to portray itself as two functional units, rather than as one entity.

Poor me? Nah, it adds variety to me life.

I know that there will be a day when this circle will come to a halt. I shall attain Moksh. Nirvana.

That will be the day...

An Apology

I want to make it up to you.

But don't know how.

I've wasted all the appropriate moments.

Now, i stare into the void.

Created by me.

I've put you through hell.

I'm emotionally unstable.

I am abnormal.

I am me.

I am sorry.

I want to kiss you.

Make everything all right again.

I've walked away so many times.

Leaving you behind.

But I want to walk back again.

I've given you sleepless nights.

I am all that you should keep away from.

I am a black hole.

I am me.

I am sorry.

Manoranjan: Entertainment

Life's a party.

Just a party.

One big party.

Come get layed!

Life's a circus.

Just a circus.

One big circus.

have far have you strayed?

Life's a joke.

Such a joke.

One big joke.

Laugh out loud!

Life's a trip.

Such a trip.

One big trip.

On a cannabi cloud.

Not All Posts Have To Be Named!

The morning after you left, I wondered what had gone wrong, so horribly wrong that you swore you'd never see my face again. Was it because of my strong belief in karma or was it because I was light years ahead of you and you just couldn't keep up with me? 

Never before has anybody made me feel as shallow as you have. Never before have I felt the need to bring myself down just like this to be at par with you. Yet, never before have I been so irrevocably in love.

You bring me down. I climb back up again. You push me away. I crawl back again. You hurt me. I recover. You hit me. I heal.

But how much longer?

Quoting Cohen

"I've seen your flag on the marble arch
Love is not a victory march
It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah
Hallelujah, 

Hallelujah
Hallelujah, 

Hallelujah..."
                                      -Leonard Cohen

There was a time when everything was so perfect. Like it was all meant to be. Like we were meant to be. But now we're up against the whole world.

Your love is a venom that is killing me, softly, each day. You're poisoning me. You're suffocating me. I cannot let go of you.

I cannot look into your eyes without doubting myself anymore. I cannot breathe. I cannot feel. Your love is burning me. Your love is making me lose myself.

There was a time when we thought that this would last forever. It was meant to be. But we were not. But look at us now, wasting away in each other's arms. We're too scared to let go.

Will there be a new tomorrow?

Fuck.

Yes, I am cheap and have no qualms about expressing and exhibiting my vulgarity in cyberspace.

Avoid.
The void.
Are you horny yet, my love?

Let's fuck.
Let's fuck.
Let's fuck.
Let's fuck till we can no more.

Stop.
Get on top.
Let me ride you, my love.

Let's fuck.
Let's fuck.
Let's fuck till I'm sore.
Let's fuck till we can no more.

Do you love me yet?

Run

The look in your eyes,
makes me want to cry.
I can never face you again.
I'm ashamed.

Run.
Run away.
Run away from me.

I've let you down.
I've caused grief, profound.
I can never bring the smile back on your face.
Memories, I can never replace.

Run.
Run away.
Run away from me.

I've made you cry.
I've made you want to die.
I can never kiss you again.
I can't take away the pain.

Run.
Run away.
Run away from me.
Set me free.

We Didn't Start The Fire/ It Was Always Burning,Since The World's Been Turning!

To say that I was never selfish before and have turned into so would be quite absurd. Let's face it, I have always been the scheming one. The one who ALWAYS gets her way. The one who is obsessed with winning and the one whose ego is more inflated than the gas prices today!


You came.
It was a sultry summer afternoon.
Your face.
Reminded me of what I was before.
Your eyes.
Longed for me and I could tell.
So I kissed you and I kissed you well.

Your hands.
Reached for me when they should have.
Your voice.
whispered sweet nothings into my ears.
You.
Wanted me so bad and so did I.
But is this the start or is this goodbye?

On Sex

Little Miss What's-Her-Name-Again?! is who you would quintessentially call a lusty slut. Despite the fact that she was in love with Mr.Right, who gave her pretty much everything that she wanted, she was not satisfied. She craved for more. She felt the need to experience more pleasure and more pain than what she had been experiencing lately. She needed to satisfy not just the body, but the soul.

Everything seemed mundane in Miss What's-Her-Name-Again?! 's life till Mr. What's-His-Name-Again?! decided to proposition with with an offer she could not refuse.

They started to kiss, just like old times...more like old time,but still. They kissed like it was their last day here on earth. Moments passed and with each passing moment, off came pieces of clothing.
They felt no shame in what they did. They were no Adam and Eve in the garden of Eden, biting into their apple of Sodom. They were two human beings who believed that there was a possibility of love and lust being two independent theories, on which human actions are often based.
They wanted to have sex, not to express love but to fulfill bodily pleasures. Pleasures of the mind. They longed to stretch the dimensions of pleasure and take it to a whole new level.

Suddenly, he was doing all the things that she wanted him to do. She was using her tongue not just to talk but to do better things-to ensure that it would be a day he would never forget.

Hours went by. They rolled. They fucked. He got on top of her. She rode him. Beads of sweat dripped down their naked bodies. Their craving for each other did not. He left. She turned the other way. It was like a road trip that come to end, very unfortunately.

Time forgotten or moments which repeat themselves often?
Who knows!

I'm not Afraid

I am not afraid,
to let you hold me.
to let you unfold me.

I am not afraid,
to be your muse.
or your refuse.

I am afraid,
to fall in love with you.