"Everybody's Changing/And I Don't Feel The Same..."

I find myself at that very junction which I had crossed a couple of years back. The junction which led me to where I am now. But unfortunately, I took the road that led me right back to where I had started from and now, I find myself in dark, on the brink of reliving all my mistakes again.

I was different back then...in the past. I tried to change. I tried to fit in. But I failed. I want go back now, but I find myself trapped in this maze. I cant see the light anymore. I can never get out.

It's sad how I get crushed every single time, like a dead dry forgotten leaf. It's sad how people change all of a sudden when you need them the most. It's sad how nothing ever works out. It's sad how happiness is a drug-it leaves one begging for more, it's addictive, it shows you all the things that you want to see, only to disappear in a flash.

I stand here at the crossroads, all alone. I need a shoulder to cry on. I need someone to guide me. But what the hell, nobody seems to care. They've moved on. They don't care about me anymore. They're done using me, so why bother to lend me a hand?

THAT'S how I feel-used. 

To come to think of it, that is the way it has always been. I have been USED time and again by people, who I have fiercely tried to cling on to. THAT is the truth. Nobody gives a fuck after they're done using me. It's sad, but it's also the truth. But what is sadder is the fact that I fall for it EVERY SINGLE TIME. 

I am a stupid fuck. I am a loser with zero self-esteem. I am an emotionally unstable whore. I am a fucking bipolar bisexual scum on the face of this earth. I am the kind you would treat as a slave. I am a shallow bitch wallowing in self pity. 

Did you ever really love me or was it just a line to fuck me? Did I ever mean anything to you or was it just so that I would give you a blow job? Was I ever good enough for you or was I just someone you visited when you were bored? Did you even like me or was your motive only to exploit my innocence? Was I ever of any value to you or were you just exploring other possibilities cause your girlfriend wouldn't give in to your perverted sexual fantasies?

Do you even know my name or am I just some whore you go to for free?

I find myself all alone, but then again, this is probably my karma trying to get back at me for hurting the ones who have ever loved me truly.

Even if it that is the case, why isn't YOUR karma waking up to all those horrible things that you have done to me, all the pain that you have caused?

Why is it always me who cries herself to sleep while you go to bed with a smile on your face?

Why am I always the villain and not you?

Heartache

I.

It's always about me.

Who the fuck are you?

All I wanted was to love you.

But I broke your heart.

Into a million little pieces.

Right here, where I stand.

And now I know not what to do.

I cry myself to sleep. At night.

But waking up is harder.

The next morning, knowing that things wont get better.

Me.

I always think about myself first.

Not you.

All I wanted was to be with you.

But I bound you to me forever.

And now you cant break free.

Even if I wanted you to.

Duality.

My bipolarity seems to be reaching new levels. The two personalities that exist within me are the two opposites of human nature. 

One is the friendly, peaceful and the ordinary one-Suyasha. Suyasha is the facade that you see everyday. The mask that I wear under normal circumstances. Most people only get to see Suyasha and sooner or later, they are all convinced that I am not acting, I AM her. Sometimes I wish I could BE her and not just pretend. Life would have been a lot simpler then. But then again, it sure as hell wouldn't be any fun if the other persona did not exist-Vana.

Vana, forest; wild and savage...animalistic. THAT is the other me. Vana is also the 'nirvana' minus the 'nir'.  A good friend of mine who I was fucking a long time back, adopted the name 'nir' and named me 'vana'. As you may have guessed, we were both madly in love with Kurt Cobain and we still are and probably will always be.

Vana is the one who'll intimidate you. She'll bring you down. She is filled with passion. With pain. With suffering. With burdens she can no longer carry. She is dark and brooding, haunted by her the demons that mess with her head at all times. 

Suyasha is the one firmly rooted to the ground. Her rigid boundaries have been drawn for her and she seldom crosses them. She is humane. She is the one with morals. With ethics. But she's also the one who is too afraid to try new things for she fears that she may fail. She sits in her dark corner, too afraid to go out into the light because the sun may burn her.

Vana is the goddess you look up to. The daring one. The mighty one. The liberal one. The one who has fallen from grace too may times before. The one who has been used too many times. The one who is a fighter, but the one who secretly cries herself to sleep at night. The one who wallows in self-pity and in self-disgust.

Suyasha tries to shut Vana out. But only temporarily. Vana fights her way back in.

Vana tries to overpower Suyasha. She succeeds. Suyasha claws back in again.

It's a circle.

Of life and death.

Good and bad.

Yin and yang.

I am not perfect, I am not even close.

Neither is Suyasha.

Neither is Vana.

But they're trying hard. Very hard. 

They're messing with my head.

I am not schizophrenic.

Neither do I have a split personality.

I have a mind that likes to portray itself as two functional units, rather than as one entity.

Poor me? Nah, it adds variety to me life.

I know that there will be a day when this circle will come to a halt. I shall attain Moksh. Nirvana.

That will be the day...

An Apology

I want to make it up to you.

But don't know how.

I've wasted all the appropriate moments.

Now, i stare into the void.

Created by me.

I've put you through hell.

I'm emotionally unstable.

I am abnormal.

I am me.

I am sorry.

I want to kiss you.

Make everything all right again.

I've walked away so many times.

Leaving you behind.

But I want to walk back again.

I've given you sleepless nights.

I am all that you should keep away from.

I am a black hole.

I am me.

I am sorry.

Manoranjan: Entertainment

Life's a party.

Just a party.

One big party.

Come get layed!

Life's a circus.

Just a circus.

One big circus.

have far have you strayed?

Life's a joke.

Such a joke.

One big joke.

Laugh out loud!

Life's a trip.

Such a trip.

One big trip.

On a cannabi cloud.

Not All Posts Have To Be Named!

The morning after you left, I wondered what had gone wrong, so horribly wrong that you swore you'd never see my face again. Was it because of my strong belief in karma or was it because I was light years ahead of you and you just couldn't keep up with me? 

Never before has anybody made me feel as shallow as you have. Never before have I felt the need to bring myself down just like this to be at par with you. Yet, never before have I been so irrevocably in love.

You bring me down. I climb back up again. You push me away. I crawl back again. You hurt me. I recover. You hit me. I heal.

But how much longer?

Quoting Cohen

"I've seen your flag on the marble arch
Love is not a victory march
It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah
Hallelujah, 

Hallelujah
Hallelujah, 

Hallelujah..."
                                      -Leonard Cohen

There was a time when everything was so perfect. Like it was all meant to be. Like we were meant to be. But now we're up against the whole world.

Your love is a venom that is killing me, softly, each day. You're poisoning me. You're suffocating me. I cannot let go of you.

I cannot look into your eyes without doubting myself anymore. I cannot breathe. I cannot feel. Your love is burning me. Your love is making me lose myself.

There was a time when we thought that this would last forever. It was meant to be. But we were not. But look at us now, wasting away in each other's arms. We're too scared to let go.

Will there be a new tomorrow?

Fuck.

Yes, I am cheap and have no qualms about expressing and exhibiting my vulgarity in cyberspace.

Avoid.
The void.
Are you horny yet, my love?

Let's fuck.
Let's fuck.
Let's fuck.
Let's fuck till we can no more.

Stop.
Get on top.
Let me ride you, my love.

Let's fuck.
Let's fuck.
Let's fuck till I'm sore.
Let's fuck till we can no more.

Do you love me yet?

Run

The look in your eyes,
makes me want to cry.
I can never face you again.
I'm ashamed.

Run.
Run away.
Run away from me.

I've let you down.
I've caused grief, profound.
I can never bring the smile back on your face.
Memories, I can never replace.

Run.
Run away.
Run away from me.

I've made you cry.
I've made you want to die.
I can never kiss you again.
I can't take away the pain.

Run.
Run away.
Run away from me.
Set me free.

We Didn't Start The Fire/ It Was Always Burning,Since The World's Been Turning!

To say that I was never selfish before and have turned into so would be quite absurd. Let's face it, I have always been the scheming one. The one who ALWAYS gets her way. The one who is obsessed with winning and the one whose ego is more inflated than the gas prices today!


You came.
It was a sultry summer afternoon.
Your face.
Reminded me of what I was before.
Your eyes.
Longed for me and I could tell.
So I kissed you and I kissed you well.

Your hands.
Reached for me when they should have.
Your voice.
whispered sweet nothings into my ears.
You.
Wanted me so bad and so did I.
But is this the start or is this goodbye?

On Sex

Little Miss What's-Her-Name-Again?! is who you would quintessentially call a lusty slut. Despite the fact that she was in love with Mr.Right, who gave her pretty much everything that she wanted, she was not satisfied. She craved for more. She felt the need to experience more pleasure and more pain than what she had been experiencing lately. She needed to satisfy not just the body, but the soul.

Everything seemed mundane in Miss What's-Her-Name-Again?! 's life till Mr. What's-His-Name-Again?! decided to proposition with with an offer she could not refuse.

They started to kiss, just like old times...more like old time,but still. They kissed like it was their last day here on earth. Moments passed and with each passing moment, off came pieces of clothing.
They felt no shame in what they did. They were no Adam and Eve in the garden of Eden, biting into their apple of Sodom. They were two human beings who believed that there was a possibility of love and lust being two independent theories, on which human actions are often based.
They wanted to have sex, not to express love but to fulfill bodily pleasures. Pleasures of the mind. They longed to stretch the dimensions of pleasure and take it to a whole new level.

Suddenly, he was doing all the things that she wanted him to do. She was using her tongue not just to talk but to do better things-to ensure that it would be a day he would never forget.

Hours went by. They rolled. They fucked. He got on top of her. She rode him. Beads of sweat dripped down their naked bodies. Their craving for each other did not. He left. She turned the other way. It was like a road trip that come to end, very unfortunately.

Time forgotten or moments which repeat themselves often?
Who knows!

I'm not Afraid

I am not afraid,
to let you hold me.
to let you unfold me.

I am not afraid,
to be your muse.
or your refuse.

I am afraid,
to fall in love with you.

rando(o)m

'When there's will, there's way.'
You say.
But don't you know
You've got nowhere to go?

She doesn't love you like I did.
She doesn't love you like I could have.
Pick me, pick me please.


You come running back to me.
When she sets you free.
Yet you worship her.
To you it never does occur,

She doesn't love you like I did.
She doesn't love you like I could have.
Pick me, pick me please.

Someday she'll go away
Into a new place, into a new day
who's gonna build you up again?
who's gonna help you cry away the pain?

She can never love you like I did.
She can never love you like I could have.
Pick me, pick me please.
Before it's too late...

What I Do Best.

I am doing what I do best. Falling in love.
Yes, I am in love yet again, with Anthony Kiedis (go wiki him, if you don't know who I am talking about, you fool!)....Had picked up a second hand copy of his book 'Scar Tissue' from an obscure stall at the bookfair this year, but little did I know that it would fuck me up this bad.

However, I am not in love in the typical mush-infested way, it's just that he inspires me to write, to go ahead and finish those compositions and to believe in myself. It's okay to be randomly retarded. It's FUN to be randomly retarded. I am randomly retarded and so is he and look at where he is today!

Things have been progressing well (touch wood!) on the music front, I am starting to get over my shattered self-esteem, which seemed to have been hampering my ability to try new things, thus hampering my progress. But thanks to Kiedis, I am now OD-ing on RHCP, which seems to be a sure shot sign of a rapid increase in the bitch-gone-crazy side of me.

But lately, I have been feeling rather disconnected from people and I know that the problem lies in me. The thing is that I expect too much from people. I expect my parents to agree to whatever I say. I expect my boyfriend to understand me at all times. I expect my friends to be there for me 24*7...This not only causes friction in my social relationships, but it also makes me feel cruel, selfish and like a no-gooder.
I have been trying to deal with this the whole week, but it just does not seem to be working.
It's like my vicious cycle with the herbs years back. The more I'd try and tell myself to abstain, the more I'd lie to myself and go down the forbidden road, assuring myself that I am in-charge of my life and have the right to do whatever I want to.

On the brighter side of things, this term break has given me a lot more than I could ask for.

1. I have read and read and read. This has helped me clear my conscience, which was bugging me for becoming too shallow and Barbieish.
2. I have realised who my true friends are and who are the ones who fake it.
3. The report card, which was a pleasant surprise for a change, has inspired me to STUDY in class 12, get into a good college and then have the time of my life.
4. Music. Music. Music. i have rediscovered the joys of listening to Coldplay, Oasis,John Mayer and U2, for which I AM thankful.
5. Last but not the least, thanks to the term break and the sense of utter joblessness that comes with it, I have realized that there's more to life than constantly being surrounded by people. Being alone is SO much better when you have to do some serious self-analysis ad some self-discovery.

The deeper I look with me, the more I realize who I am and what I want from life, which helps a great deal when your mind is acting as an entity of it's own and showing you things that you DO NOT want to see.
I have come to terms with the things that I have, I things that I don't, the things I can have and the things that I can't. I have also come to terms with who I am. Yes, I am liberal, bisexual, irresponsible, mildly bipolar and have a constant craving for excesses. But hey, that's who I am and I love myself more than all else on earth, so come what may, I refuse to change myself!

WHAT MY BELLY BUTTON SAYS ABOUT ME~
:D

You Are Popular

You are bold, outgoing, and totally together. You live with passion, and you have rich life because of it. It is likely that you will only have one child. If you have more children than that, it may be hard to conceive. You are easily effected by the world around you. You are emotional and even a bit moody. You are a bit lazy. You sometimes don't shower or brush your teeth all day. You are wilder than most people, even if you don't feel all that wild. And you're a total show off.

What Does Your Belly Button Say About You?

A Love Story.

She walks down the road, yet again.
It is empty, nearly as empty as my heart.
I watch her walk down that road, yet again.
I turn away this time.

I'm not going to ask her to stop, anymore.
I'm not going to hold her hand, ever again.
I'm not going to forget her, ever.

She would remind me of the summer sun.
But not anymore, it burns too bright now.
She bites into me, I let her.

I let her hold me.
I let her unfold me.
I let her learn how to love me.
I let her be me, but never again.

She closes her eyes, I look away.
It is more painful than I thought it would be.
I watch, nevertheless.

I watch, as they hover over her pretty little head.
I watch, as they tear her to pieces.
I watch, as they devour her.
I watch, as she fades away,into the void.
I watch, as they throw away her mutilated body.

I had warned her.
The bitch did not listen.

For A Minute There, I Lost Myself...

I clearly have issues. I rely too much on others to make me happy, instead of looking for my own happiness.
I am jealous of everybody else's success. Yes i am, no matter how well I may hide that, trust me, deep down within, all i want to do is kick,scream,shout and curse.
I have had a far too isolated childhood and a far too abnormally complicated adolescence, so i really do think that i deserve a whole lot more than what i am getting now.

I have a clean karma and I feel that comparing myself with a slum dweller will NOT make me feel fortunate and grateful to "god", it will only make me feel shallow and guilty for not having an aorta of compassion in me whatsoever.

Which brings me to my next point, I am 17 and I have NO idea who I am or who I want to be. I lack ambition, majorly.
I'm a quitter. I give up at the drop of a hat. I lack the spirit to fight and my attention span would put any 5-year old to shame.

There are so many things that I have to, that i need to change about myself.
But if I do, will I still be me?
If so, who will I be?


But first and foremost, who am I?
Think you can tell me?!

Hate is a strong word but it fits this post Perfectly!

My self-confidence is at an all-time low thanks to a few individuals who have messed me up completely.
It's 'Women's Day' today, today is the day that we, as women, feel proud of our emancipation, our freedom from male domination and our ability to be ourselves regardless of what others think.
But to tell you the truth my friend, all that is nothing but bullshit.
In reality, all our actions and reactions are strongly based on what society expects from us.
We don't have the right to be at par with boys, they're too chauvinistic to let us.
They're too full of themselves to even care.

I hate you S for robbing me of my innocence.
I hate you Z for convincing me that i am a slut.
I hate you P , you're nothing but a coward, a chutiya and a wannabe.
I hate you R for never being by my side when I needed you.
I hate you G for always letting me down.
I hate you W for getting into that stupid accident which took you away from me.
I hate you S, for loving me so much that it changes who I am.

I hate all of you. I hate how you've filled me with false hopes and high expectations.
I hate you for making me shed tears, which were clearly not worth it.
I hate you.
Thanks to you, I have started to hate myself as well.



I don't deserve all this, do I?