Happy Birthday To me...

I turn 17 today...yay!
And that is just about it.

My seemingly perfect life is nothing like it appears to be, i have dad who is'nt here, who didnt even wish me until late last night. My mum, who took a holiday today preferrs to spend time with the infant next door, most people did not have the courtesy to wish me, i did'nt get a birthday present, neither did i get a cake nor a big happy birthday hug... it's not about the gifts, its about the gestures...i feel like i'm such a burden on this shallow earth...
The only good thing about today was the fact that sayar came over for lunch and i feel like such a whore for being so mean to him all the time, i take him for granted, i treat him like shit but honestly, that is something i really do not do intentionally and i feel so horribly guilty after evrytime i do so. i really fail to understand myself, why do i hurt somebody who i love so much time and again?
I know what i do is wrong but its like i have become somebody else, somebody i dont know. somebody i dont have any control over. I'VE CREATED A MONSTOR!

So Sayar if you're reading this, i'd like to tell you that I'm really very sorry for the way that i've been treating you. I love you so much my little baby, I know I can be a fucked up bitch most of the time and I have hurt you so many times but I really did not mean to, I swear, I'm such a horrible person but i really love you, please dont ever leave me, without you I'm just a nobody, you give meaning to my life, you are the reason i'm still alive...you are..me!

Thank You For Smoking!

I enjoy my cigarette, be it in a state of complete solitude or amongst like-minded havoc makers...i enjoy my cigarette, yet very strangely, i am not completely enslaved by it...it makes me involuntarily shake my head in dissaproval to see all those young boys light up that dreaded object of my affection, also known as a 'fag',and instantly feel so macho...what a strange world we all live in- a world in which people depend on tobacco to quench their thirst for assurance, acceptance or maybe to provide a window for escape...

But smoking cigarettes was never really 'my thing' from the very beginning (yes and you,dear reader, must be thinking..."duh!") or rather i was not addicted to my fag even say, 4 years back,(i turn 17 in 2008, so do the math!) it was one eventful valentines' day that led to the loss of my innocence...all of a sudden i found myself spiralling down the path to hell..the intoxicated path of destruction and deviation...

What started out as a naive puff to escape this world became the cause of my destruction...i was lost in a sea of marijuana, i was floating in adhesive clouds and before i knew it...i was lost completely, i was so out of touch with reality that i forgot who i was and where i belonged...but it was'nt easy to turn back around and i do admit that the journey has been unpleasant, marred by too many incidents that i pray i forget someday...i lost the ones i had, i lost my sense of belonging, but then again, it was worth the feeling of immense freedom that i experienced. And as far as the loved ones were concerned, the real ones, though wounded, did come back to me eventually and i am thankfull, immensely thankfull to them for that...

So dear reader, it is not just about that one puff from that joint or that chillum...it more than that...its so much much more than that...it is all about letting yourself go with your eyes shut tight, surrendering yourself to fate- who decides what to do with you and your virgin little soul. So be careful, very very careful. I'm not propagating anything, i'm just asking you to keep your eyes open and not let the demons get to you too...

Think about it for a minute. Re-read this if you must. Do what you want to do. Infer whatever you wish to infer. Give me some time, i need to finish the last 'classic' in the pack.

i am..am i?!

Gore and masochism fascinates me...They make so much more sense than this highly sadistic world that i live in or rather, the world that i'm forced to live in...I'm not complaining about my life,which seems to be falling apart,but it's just that living it seems like such a lie these days...i don't even recognize the person who i see in the mirror...do i see me or is it who i only want to see?
I've been neglecting myself for so long that i have started to lose touch with myself.
I do not know where i stand. I do not know who my friends are. I do not know what I REALLY want. I do not know what bothers me. I do not know why i have stopped dreaming. I do not know why my creativity fails me. I do not know what to do. I do not know what to see. I do not know anything. I do not know if i am me.
WHO AM I?!

Polythene III:Narcotized...let it be!

You wait for the world to change,
just so that you can feel good.
You think you're such an angel
-little miss red riding hood!

You pretend to know it all.
you pretend like you can never fall.
but too bad your bubble has to burst.
and disappear somewhere into the dust.

You think you look so mighty fine.
in your garbs which cost so sublime.
but look at you- so ugly underneath.
you're nothing but a fake- a real defeat.

you silly little girl, can you not see
that you are really not who you pretend to be.
and we too, can see through your lies.
so with you we have to severe all ties.

So goodbye you naive fool
stop wasting our time.
this world is too out of your reach.
and not all this sublime...

Polythene II : what to do??

Polythene
You're so mean.
You're such a whore
From the core.

I hate you so
Why dont you go.
Your face is a joke
All you do is croak.

About how i have let you down
How i have stolen your crown.
How you wish i was dead.
Can you get me out of you're head?!

Cause i have already done so.
To me you're just another foe.
You're the bitch who thought she knew it all
So too bad you shall have to fall

Fall from grace into the fire
of the hellish pits of your funeral pyre.
You deserve all my wrath and my hate.
That's been swirling in my soul of late.

So goodbye little miss goody two shoes
Too bad you did'nt wisely choose
To be in my good books.
Instead you joined the other crooks!

You had your chance but threw it away.
Now, look at what it's come to today.
So don't you waste your time and cry.
Cause you simply WILL have to die!

Polythene : So unclean

Emotions fail me, i do not know what i feel...how i feel or even why i feel.

is it me?

is it you?

is this an illusion?

or is this really true?!

All the things that i used to believe in have only been deceiving me...my ideals were nothing but a farce...

things are so fucked up
and you don't even care
why do you see right through me?
its as if i'm not even there

My First Entry (yet another blog *sigh*)

this is one of my MOST favourite self-composed poems, don't ask me why!

pop the pill
take a puff
and life wont
seem this tough

smoke pot
try some hash
resorting to 'd'
when outta cash

unprotected sex
two times a day
shall keep
the pain away

orange juice
with alcohol
black magic
vodoo dolls

black nail paint
rock n' roll
death is the
ultimate goal

dyed blue hair
converse shoes
insanity and bliss
-you can choose

junk food and
jam sessions
experience all of
life's lessons

making out
in public
leaving aunties
feeling sick


teenage is tough
its hard being a teen
cause kids are dumb
and adults are mean!