"Haters Gonna Hate!"

I have recently discovered that negativity sort of keeps me going and it somehow makes me feel superior than most of the mindless and  alarmingly shallow people that throng this city. I don't mean to offend anybody by saying this but my blog has two very distinct kind of readers-those who enjoy reading what I write and (probably) find inspiration from this and those who stalk because they love to hate me.

Honestly, I don't give a fuck about the latter. It's ironic how people like these act like such heroes in the virtual world-ganging up against someone, spreading hate for no apparent reason. But look a them in real life-so desperate for their 15 seconds of fame. Such incredibly boring and vacant people. I could almost feel sorry for them.
It's amazing how people talk about my private life incessantly. It's even more amazing when they choose public platforms and social networking sites to do so. It used to bother me earlier. But I've been fortunate enough to have collected snippets of advice and wisdom from some of my seniors, all of who have unanimously told me that the more people hate on you for no apparent reason, the more they are jealous of you for achievements they haven't experienced. So anyway, let them dwell in their negativity. I have enough positive vibrations within me to keep going.

Those of you who read this and somehow draw strength from it. Well, it's a two way thing, you make me strong as well. You push me to keep going and I would like to thank all of you for forcing me to get back here. Your feedback is very valuable to me.
The only piece of advice that I can offer, is that you need to love yourself. Everything else will follow suite. Try and love yourself. It's may be a very hard thing to do, but it's not impossible either. I've been trying to start loving myself unconditionally recently. It's a long road, but I know I'll get there someday!

I deleted my facebook account today. One step closer to the edge. I'm hanging on for the simple reason that the two people who gave birth to me will have nothing to fall back on without me around.
I'm not a coward. I just don't belong. So I give up trying to.

My apologies. My sincere apologies.

This will be my last blogpost for a while. I need some time out.
Goodbye.

I feel so empty, so hollow. I have no dreams, no aspirations. I have nothing to look forward to.

Self Hate. Hate Shelf.

It's very hard to love somebody else if you don't love yourself. It's very tough to love yourself, unconditionally. Is it even possible to love yourself unconditionally?
Not be content, but love yourself.
Will I ever?

I feel so incredibly lost at times, here I am, living the outgrown teenage dream, but what the fuck am I really doing? Is getting a degree, filling my head up with random knowledge about inconsequential things and subsequently finding a job that won't make me tear my hair out every morning, all that there is to life?
Why has my will to question, to think started to diminish? I am starting to conform to mediocrity and it's killing me. I can't go up on stage without a drink to calm my nerves these days. This, mind you, has nothing to do with the audience, but that nagging voice inside my head which is continually reminding me that I am starting to become a sell-out. I hate the road that I am going down. The worst part is that I chose, nobody forced me to.

I wish I were a little less harsh on myself at times, a little less critical. I wish I could loosen up like most people my age. I need a holiday, real bad. Either that or some really strong substance to trip on and drain the pessimism from my head, even if it's only for a while.

Stuff My Dreams Are Made Of

A lazy winter afternoon. Short stories by D.H. Lawrence. Vivaldi's Concerto I, Spring Allegro. Venus In Furs. Scotch.

cut to, an idle winter evening. The Bell Jar. Trainspotting. Marijuana. Fear And Loathing at Las Vegas. steamed momos. The Little Prince

Winter night. Jack and coke. The Who. Led Zeppelin. Yellow Submarine. The Adventures of Alice In Wonderland.

:)

I Lie. Sometimes.

I was going through some of my posts in the past, only to start laughing. I lied. A lot of times. Just to make a few people concerned happy.
The truth is I never really loved, say, my ex boyfriend or any of the people I had a fling with. I'm sorry, but I guess I never let them understand because I pretended to so well.
I can be horribly manipulative at times. At all times, when I've been pretending to be the lamb, I've actually been a lion, waiting patiently for my prey to fall into my trap. I may have used some people to fulfill my own needs, told them everything they've wanted to hear and convinced them a cent percent that I am addicted to them. But like all humans, I lied. I lied well. Covered all my tracks like a serial killer. Not even for a moment did I deviate from the character that I was projecting myself to be. I was an actor. A damn good one that too. I am not ashamed. I don't have an aorta of regret in me for playing with them.
But to be fair, I only played around with those who had the same intentions towards me. So that sort of makes me a less of a bitch now, doesn't it? If men can play, women can too. Let's not forget that there is nothing more dangerous in the world than the fury of a wronged woman.
I feel a little lighter now that I have confessed.

Anyway, before anyone starts pointing fingers at my current relationship, let me tell you a secret. The reason why we're going so strong despite all the mud slung at us initially, is because we're in it for the real deal, the 'l' word and not because of fame, money, power etc.

Cheers!

Oh dear life!

Monday to Friday- Absolut with cranberry juice. Just one large drink.
Saturday and Sunday- Either the same or some JD with coke. One maybe two large ones, depending on how much money I can afford to spend.

Oh dear lord, are these early signs that point straight towards alcoholism?

This. That. Monster. Etc.

Realisation dawned upon me like a slap in the face a while ago. I just realised that the incredibly masochistic pattern that I underwent for years now was because of the monster. My theory is that I still haven't been able to resolve the conflicts in my head. So all this while, I was subconsciously punishing myself by purposely picking out people who resembled the monster in some way or the other and letting them destroy my sense of self worth. I'm not saying that this holds true for everybody, but most people,yes. I have purposely stifled my intuition in the past, as a result of which I have been able to break the cycle only recently.
The trauma of abuse is one that doesn't go away easily, if at all. I am still waiting for the day when it stops affecting me. Many would think of me as a sissy, who needs to "grow up and get over it". I wish it were that simple, I really wish it were.

But no matter how complicated (or rather fucked up) my thoughts can get, one thing that I know for sure is that I'm a survivor. I will hold my head high no matter what. Nothing can break me again. I'm no longer 12 years old, nobody can hurt me without my consent anymore. You know why?
Because I love myself too much to break again. I have a two very loving and understanding parents. A boy who loves me no less even on my worst days and a whole lot of other things to fall back on.

So hurl your obstacles at me, world. I will survive.

Grandma

Since when did I start to grow so old? I always pictured myself as the fire that would never go out, but I guess I was wrong, I am not as deep as I think of myself to be-just somebody who's bored out of their wits.

Or maybe it's a bad case of an identity crisis, since I'm no longer a girl and yet I HATE to consider myself a woman just yet, for I lack the basic etiquette.
When was it exactly that I traded my jeans for a dress,
my chucks for 6 inch heels
and my natural vigour for a heavily pancaked face?
Was it recently or too long ago?
Can I go back to the point when the mess was made and do it all over again?




I need a stiff drink to calm these overtly hyper nerves.
But I only drink scotch these days, tsk tsk!


PS-I bought myself a guitar on Monday. A Fender acoustic. Had almost bought a Takamine, but I guess the Fender was written in my destiny, here's a stock photo of the one I got. Needless to say, it's beauty is such that  I just can't seem to put it down. I have this annoying urge to continually play it. So I guess all IS well.

(pic courtesy the Fender website. http://www.fender.com/)
This is a CD-60. A few months later, when I have some money, will add Fishman pickups to this, or atleast that is what the current plan is!)

Resolution Twenty Twelve

I'm the kind who makes new year resolutions at the drop of a hat and then proceeds to break them with equal ease. So this year, I have kept them simple-to read more, to write more and to study. By studying I don't mean preparing for tests and exams, but REALLY study. There's nothing more satisfying than filling yourself up with a little bit of knowledge everyday. I miss going to the BCL and spending all my mornings/afternoons there. I don't think I have the time for that anymore. But I will try my best this year to read as much as I can. My target for the month is to finish these three books that I have managed to acquire:

'Venus In Furs' by Leopold Von Sacher-Masoch

 'Sons And Lovers' by D.H. Lawrence

The Unabridged Journals of Sylvia Plath.


Apart from this, I have FINALLy got my hands on a copy of the journals of Kurt Cobain, but I wont add that to the list. It'll take time for me to finish. I want to soak in each and every word in there, like a fanatic...

End of Year Despair

This year started off with a bang but gradually lost it's fizz towards the end. Maybe because I haven't been keeping too well somehow. All the stress and the vigorous schedule that I've put myself through has taken it's toll on me. I'm perpetually sick these days, either physically and if not then mentally.

Dunno why. Wish this phase would end soon.

But staying at home has it's benefits too, I tend to work and think best when I'm alone, isolated and when nobody can reach me. Or vice-versa. I've been writing a lot of intimate, bare-it-all-esque snippets lately. A chorus, stray choruses and maybe a bridge or two. I need to sit down and put them together. But my songs are too intimate to be shared with others, or maybe I've just scared of having my heart broken. Either way, I'm not quite ready to share them with the world. Maybe I will someday, hopefully very soon.
I do wish I were a better guitar player than I am at times, there's nothing more consoling than playing yourself your own songs when you're felling the blues...

Watched  500 Days Of Summer yesterday and I don't know which I like more, the movie or it's soundtrack. It's amazing how a god background score and soundtrack can COMPLETELY turn a movie around.
Anyway, the movie sort of got me thinking about love. Is it really worth it, at the end of the day? Why do we feel the need to be loved at all times, can't we ever be in a secure enough place to successfully live our life out in isolation, without love?
Why do we need to love, to procreate?
Why do we need to make money, to live a luxurious life that will ultimately make someone love us for the security that wealth provides?
Why is coitus such a pleasurable act, is it because our brains are conditioned to project it as something that brings us pleasure just because it is an essential life function to ensure the continuity of our species?
So then, eating, sleeping and defecating should be equally pleasurable activities, shouldn't they?


What is sex, an act of pleasure or necessity? Or is it an essential life function?
Sine sex is the only natural way to ensure that humans don't become an extinct species, why the fuck is it such a taboo? It's incredibly ironic how conflicting our ideals are. For centuries, we've let "religion" cloud our judgement on basic matters concerning life and our well-being. But we're too ignorant to even notice how we are all just the same, living the same lie. Year after year. Decade after decade. Century after century. Only a handful have been brave enough to break free. I wish I belonged to that group, but sadly I too have been pre-programmed and it's too late to undo everything, without actually ''losing my mind''.
Maybe in the next life then?
:)

DO watch 500 Days Of Summer by the way,  you haven't already. It won't answer any of you questions on life and love, but it's definitely a great movie. Also, I may have a tiny crush on Zooey Deschanel's character Summer, maybe because she reminds me of myself in quite a few ways, but the character mind you, not the actual person.:) :)

Dance of the Destitute.

Young lovers in their prime.

Running out of time.

Hurriedly procreating,

And feeling so sublime.

Interchanging roles.

Emptying out the souls.

Searching for their hearts,

But finding gaping holes.

Like a ventriloquist.

Unable to resist.

Voices are stifled,

Another one added to the list.

They're all puppets in his hands.

Puppets on call.

Dance for him, pretty girl.

As the boys turn their heads towards the wall.

:)

http://tmagazine.blogs.nytimes.com/2011/11/17/filthy-gorgeous/?ref=travel

Makes me happy, even if it's for a little while!

Run

Let's run to the beach, darling.

Let's fight with the waves and not each other.

Like doe-eyed children building sandcastles.

Unkempt hair.

Runny noses.

Soiled pajamas.

Without a care in the world.

Let's run to the beach, darling.

Let's listen to the sounds of the sea.

Lose ourselves for a moment.

Collapse into time.

Make love.

Soul-search.

Like it were the only thing left for us to do.

Let's run to the beach, darling.

Let's collect fragments of shells lying around.

Pretend like they're precious jewels.

Worth a million rupees.

Maybe more.

And put our heart and soul into it.

Like collecting memories.

Let's run to the beach, darling.

Before it's too late.

Before you're too close to me.

Too close for comfort

Before our love fades away.

Let's run to the beach.

And never come back...

The Weak That Was (part II)

• Pre-exam despair (first paper on Modern India is tomorrow afternoon, still haven't started)
• Someone Like You by Adele on loop. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jCya1yiFFP4
• Contemplating a change in future career. (haha, "career", like I'll ever pre-plan anything, who am I kidding!)
• The Abhi-Ash baby is all over the news, I DON'T GIVE A RAT'S ASS. I wish news channels would get over it already.
• Re-reading Fight Club, man if you haven't read it you should be ashamed of yourself, it's in a different league altogether. But yea, if you're a bum then watch the movie instead. I love both actually. It's funny how I always imagined Brad Pitt as Tyler Durden even before I watched the movie.
• Watched 'Dead Girl' 

and I wasn't very impressed. I don't really like these zombie movies, but watched [rec] and [rec]2 a couple of days back and lurrrvvveeddd it!

• So yea, my obsession with horror continues. (this is the part when you list your top 5 horror movies in your head so that you can ask me to watch them, only to realise that I don't have a 'comment' or a feedback button in my blog. Mwahahahahhaha *evil laughter*) 
• My dad's been using a blackberry phone for quite some time now. Years ago, when he got his first BB, I was quite appalled by it's monstrosity for it looked like one of those huge pencil boxes that I would carry to school as child. But I've been using a blackberry for about 6 months and as dramatic as it may sound, I really cannot imagine being able to function without it. It's like god in your hands. (now THAT was going too far, wasn't it?) 

Anyway, this is all for now, I just realised that I have an exam in about 12 hours and so I better get started. No need to pray for me, pray for the person who will check my paper!

The Updated Interface Sucks. But Then Again, So Does Everything Else!

Please don't mind the temper, end sem starts from tomorrow and as usual, I ain't got no clue. It's funny how before EVERY exam I make a pledge, to study sincerely for the next one and somehow it never seems to work out and I procrastinate away only to realize the deep shit I'm in. It's like an endless cycle, a dog fruitlessly chasing it's tail.
Ep launch is due next month, so much work left man. Not funny, I'm stuck in an infinite loop of shit...gaaah!!!

                                         

The above is our official logo btw, made by Kunal Sen, isn't he just super, check his work out here: http://www.kunalsen.net/

You Don't Know How It Feels

"But let me get to the point, let's roll another joint

And turn the radio loud, I'm too alone to be proud

You don't know how it feels

You don't know how it feels to be me"

-Tom Petty

Over the last 40 years, there has been a 794% increase in the number of rape cases in India, and that mind you is just a small figure because the majority of rapes and molestation incidents never find a voice and are thus never reported, they remain etched as horror stories in the minds of the victims. And it saddens me. It really saddens me when a victim blames herself for what has happened to her, like she was asking for it.  

Rape is not just a physical act, there's more to it than that. One can recover from the physical trauma, but the pain that one goes through mentally is not so easy to deal with. Rape plants seeds of negativity and vulnerability so deep in your mind that you can't even imagine. If you're one of the lucky few who have been able to come to terms with it, congratulations to you, but I know for a fact that it's something that you can never really get over, no matter how many times you tell yourself that you can. 

I CHOSE to get over it, talk about and help others out instead of keeping my feelings bottled up inside me and blaming myself for whatever happened. I tell myself that 'what doesn't kill me, makes me stronger' but there are times when I feel like getting so high that I feel numb, I want to reach a point where nothing bothers or affects me anymore. That point when I'm thus invincible and no one or nothing can harm me anymore. Such thoughts of forced detachment and self posed exiles however, are too Utopian, too unreal, it's not practical. I can't just wake up one fine day and let go off all my sorrow, it's been planted too deep in my mind. It doesn't work that way. 

But having said that, I would consider myself lucky, I've had therapy and music guide me, help me sort things out and change my perspectives on quite a few things. But even then, nothing seems to be enough, there seems to be no remedy. I've spent my all my adolescence getting high and indulging in mindless activities, but nothing seems to fill this void that's been etched into my soul. I still feel so hollow, so empty.

Today, in particular, I'm missing my childhood a great deal. It's probably been the best part of my life-uncomplicated, wholesome and full of fond memories, probably because today is Children's Day and I feel so guilty cause I've let the child inside me die.Yes, I killed the child in me, I'm a bloody murderer.

So this is probably life's way of getting back at me, I'm 20 now, I have no perspective on where my life is headed, I have no idea what I want from my life. I have no connect with what brings me pleasure and what is it that really makes me happy. So I play a charade with myself every day and with each passing day, I convince myself that this really is me, since I'm starting to get so good at it, suppressing the nagging thoughts which remind me that my conviction isn't based on something that is real. 

But what am I but a mere human being, I break down sometimes, like now, when the pressure of getting my act together all the time really gets to me. It's not an easy job to do, trust me. It's exhausting to constantly act strong, when you know how vulnerable you really are inside.

It's funny how one incident triggers so many reactions. Something that happened almost 8 years ago, still makes me want stop everything and just lay down and cry sometimes, like now.

I'm ashamed of what I've become, a soulless, hollow person with no purpose in life. I've become so good at isolating myself from people and things that it's reached a point where I've even managed to isolate myself from me.

And hence the question still remains, who am I?

You'll never know what it's like to be me. You don't know how it feels...

(I've been listening to the theme song of the 'Tale Of Two Sisters' on loop while writing this, this is one of the most beautiful pieces I've heard recently, please do give it a shot: 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sdVwzt6Q50U&feature=re%C2%ADlated

Also, there's this song by my favourite singer-songwriter in Kolkata, Neel Adhikari based on this theme, listen to it, it's beautiful, nevermind the crappy video though:)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eh0ACNb3WDg&feature=related

So if there really was a will and consequently a way,
would you stay
and try to make amends?