Ordered Disorder

There's something missing from my life right now. I haven't been able to pinpoint what it is, but I don't feel like writing anymore. Or for that matter, I don't feel like doing anything that is somehow associated with a routine.

It's like a mutiny. Against myself.

I don't know what it is about me that makes people love me yet take me for granted all the time. Everybody's doing it. Be it consciously or subconsciously, they put me on this pedestal, like I'm never going to let them down, forever be perfect, be there by their side.

While it's quite flattering to think that most people close to me feel that way, it's also quite heartbreaking to think that I do almost all the things that I do expecting nothing in return. I know for a fact that it's a selfish world and everybody's just concerned about their needs. They have better things to do about worry about someone.

So where does that put me?

I don't know, really.

I love. I give. I do things. Without expecting anything in return. I don't do it because it's the right thing to do, but that's just the way I am.

But right now, I'm just a little sad. I don't think anybody really cares.

No, this is not a random self-pity injected post.

I don't know what to feel anymore. Not because I'm upset or happy or any of those things, I'm just very very disillusioned.

Let's face it, I've never been very good with people-to-people relationships, I've never known where to draw the line and protect myself from the big bad world. I guess I'll never learn.

You see, I still think of that day sometimes. I wonder if things would still be the same if I hadn't encountered that day. Would I be better at this? Would it be less painful every time somebody/something broke my heart?

I guess I'll never know...

The time has come for me to choose.

Do I want to be a musician or do I want to be a rockstar?

The Ganesh Talkies

These are a few excerpts from our very first "photoshoot". Ganesh Talkies is not just my band, it's more like my baby.

Please 'like' us on facebook! :)

http://www.facebook.com/pages/The-Ganesh-Talkies/166092616748588?v=wall

Coma Grey

(heavily influenced by/tribute to Marilyn Manson's 'Coma Black' and 'Coma White')

She popped her pill

And closed her eyes

Shut her ears.

And abandoned all the lies

There was nowhere she could go.

There was no one she could be

She was trapped in herself, for an eternity.

She scratched her skin

Just to feel it bleed.

Like vermin breeding

from her seed

There was nowhere she could go.

There was no on she could be.

Her despair hung from the sky, like a canopy.

She smelt of decay.

She smelt of death.

Sinking into oblivion

with every breath.

There was nowhere she could go.

There was no one she could be.

For she lay buried under a nameless chestnut tree...

Exit.

Insecurities have been creeping up on me lately. I'm starting to question my capabilities.

And my abilities.

And I'm often asking myself if I'm good enough these days.

It's really scary.

I would like to think of myself as a confident person, but lately everything's been going horribly wrong. My self-confidence is at an all time low. I feel like I deserve more love and more affection than I'm getting from the people around me. I wish people would be happy for me for a change and not try to bring me down at all times like they do.

No matter how hard I try, I reach a plateau where I feel like I can never be good enough and so instead of rising to the challenge, I merely choose to run away.

I can't help it.

That's how/who I am.

My body is craving for a high. Any high. Just to escape, yet again...

I wonder what it is about me that intimidates other women or makes them HATE me so much!

:|

The Rain Song

I've been listening to a lot of stuff that I would in the past, which I think helped in shaping me the way I am today. It's been a long time, but Nirvana, The Doors, The Beatles, Led Zeppelin, Queen, Radiohead, Soundgarden and Coldplay (I'm sure I've missed a few bands!) will ALWAYS occupy a very special place in my heart...

(if you don't think this is beautiful, then my friend, you are incapable of understanding music and love)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S4v-_p5dU34

Lameting The Loss of Good Music

I've been writing lately. A LOT, all in the pursuit of trying to make some nice clean original music. But the music scene in the city is starting to frustrate me a little. Over this past one year, I've discovered that there are different levels that exist in the music circuit in the city.

• The BIG names and the BIG gig bands
• The almost BIG names and the almost BIG gig bands.
• The regular gig bands.
• The genius but un-commercial and un-interested bands
• The bands that are worshipped by the mass
• The bands that are worshipped by the class
• The wannabe-s

Now the levels don't really allow much change and most categories remain the same forever. But recently, I've been going to watch some of the competitions that take place at round this time of the year and I've faced nothing but heartbreak so far.

WHAT HAPPENED TO ALL THE GOOD BANDS???

I see around me not musicians or people who're trying to get there. I see around me just some brainless/musicality-less pompous assholes who know not the slightest thing about music. Their arrogance shocks me, really. They think no end of themselves and just because they win a competition they think that they're great.

WAKE UP!!

The only reason why you're winning is because you're competing against equally bad, if not worse outfits (I refuse to call them musicians/bands...sorry!) Same time, last year, you wouldn't even dare to take part in these events and even if you did, you probably got raped by the brilliant musicians (who seem to have gone into hiding this year!)...so don't think we're stupid. I lion is the king of the jungle because of his superiority, not because there are only mice and ants around and he the lone powerful one.

Ideally, I shouldn't really let it get to me, because I've never been a part of the competition circuit, I jumped straight to That Place Else's A-circle and haven't looked back since. But every time I open facebook, and see how pigs these days are flying, it REALLY does irritate and frustrate me, to the point where I'm contemplating the formation of a new project with a few close friends just to show these retards what making good music is really about.

*sigh*

It's like Kalyug (the age of chaos in Hindu mythology)...we need a saviour. Somebody like Nishchay Parekh, (woohoo, I actually took a really real name!), will you please do the honours and save the world?

Sometimes I wish I were a boy.

That way, obese mustached men old enough to be my father wouldn't molest me in public transport.

That way, I'd be able to dress up the way I want to without having to hear catcalls from random eve-teasers in the streets.

That way, nobody would randomly comment on my body on the road.

That way, nobody would make me feel insecure about myself.

And break my self-confidence into a million pieces.

That way, nobody would look me funny if I walked into a bar and ordered a drink just by myself.

That way I wouldn't have to worry about coming back home alone after dark without getting groped.

That way, nobody would touch me.

That way, nobody would grope me.

That way, nobody would molest me.

That way, nobody would rape me...

That way, everyday wouldn't be a challenge like it is now in order to protect whatever is left of my honour..

I Need To Start Naming My Posts Again.

It's raining.

My body (or maybe just my mind?) is craving for a high.

I have been listening to Nirvana for about 3 hours now, continuously!

*screams*

(besides, this is what I look like when I'm high. NOT FUNNY, aint it?)

I've pictured a meeting with the monster a 100 times in my head. What if I meet him on the road one day...gloat about how happy I am these days and how it's actually all because of the fact that I encountered him 7 years ago or just pretend like I can't remember (at all) who he is and just let it go as if nothing happened?

I will never know.

I DO NOT believe in such chance encounters. Everything does happen for a reason. My life has found new meaning. Nothing/ no one could change that!

There are so many things that I could write about. But I can't. Whatever happened to the good old freedom of speech and expression?

*makes sad face*

They say that alcohol is like buttsex...it's an acquired taste, it satisfies a percentage of your needs and it's safe. But never ever can it be the real thing. Never can it fully satisfy you, satiate you.

Marijuana can never be replaced.

Neither can sex be replaced.

Oh dear lord, what kind of a world are we living in, where sex, drugs and rock and roll are the only thing that matters!

PS~I DON'T SMOKE weed anymore, haven't for months now. Turns out that it is bad for my throat. Also, I do not practise sodomy either. Go figure!

There are good days.

Bad days.

And days when you fall in love all over again!

:)

Like being kicked in the stomach, repeatedly.

I'm trying to purge out all the thoughts.

But they never do exit my system, they keep coming back once in a while.

I see traces of my monster everywhere. It's hidden somewhere deep down inside all the people who matter to me, waiting to pounce on me. Waiting to scratch my face and disfigure me. Waiting to taint my soul with it's impure blood, again.

It's a cyclic process.

There is no beginning.

There is no end.

At least for now.

The nightmares now come and go like they're a part of the scripted reality (and part fiction) that I live in.

I'm wasting away, with each passing minute. I'm disappearing into the big nothingness that is time. I'm fading into oblivion. I'm losing my life in the gamble of fate, destiny and death.

I'm dying.

With each second that's flying past, I'm growing old. And ugly. And weary. And fragile.

Stop, please?

What My Tattoos Stand For.

My Eternal Love For Kurt Cobain: not because I love his music, but because it signifies a phase in my life which has molded me into what I am today.

http://www.bhagavad-gita.org/Gita/verse-02-20.html

http://www.bhagavad-gita.org/Gita/verse-04-06.html

This Week's Love(s)

• HYPERBOLE AND A HALF is turning out to be my favourite blog of all times. Like really! http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/
• Clipping by Mutemath. Genius. This song reinforces my belief in being able to get high without weed, without alcohol without hash, without any intoxicant!

• Ancient Indian History. I'm starting to like my paper on Ancient Indian history this semester at the JOO. I may not pass AB's paper by any means, but hey, atleast I LIKE what I'm studying!

• Which brings me to the next one, the JOO (also known as Jadavpur University, Kolkata, incase you're an outsider) Dude, 14 fuckin' years of hell later, I have finally found and educational institution which has accepted me with open arms for who I am ad not who they want me to be!

A Bit Of Cliched Banter.

I need to write more often.

*sigh*

Where is the time?

Where is the interest?

Where is my mind?

Boyfriend and I have been spending an obscene amount of quality time together these days. I hope it stays that way, I really do. It's funny how the transition from being the best of friends to lovers never seemed awkward to us. Sometimes when I'm lying in his arms, playing silly games or just enjoying a moment of solitude together, I wonder why life's being so good to me for a change. It's almost as though I'm being rewarded for all the hardships that I've had to go through over the years.

When I look into those eyes, I don't see someone who lusts for me, I don't see someone who wants me for the sake of it, I don't see someone who's with me for fame or for fortune or for any hidden agenda.

I see someone who loves me back as much as I love him.

That's all I need.

Boyfriend's the kind who'll stick with you no matter what. He'll hold on to you even though you're trying to push him away. He'll break down all the walls that you create around you, once in a while, to isolate yourself from the world. He's the kind who'll not refer to you as "hot"/"sexy" cause he thinks you're beautiful-even when you have a pimple outbreak or a swollen and deformed lip as a result of an insect bite. He'll kiss your tears away and best of all, he ALWAYS knows when it's a good time for a massive bear hug to lift your spirits!

I've never felt this way before. It's almost as though all this is just too good to be true. Nearly half a fuckin' year together and he STILL makes me go weak in the knees like it's the first day that we're together together.

So those of you who predicted that we wouldn't get past a month, EAT YOUR OWN SHIT. Hah!

*gives imaginary Best friend-esque hi-5 to boyfriend*