Exit.

Insecurities have been creeping up on me lately. I'm starting to question my capabilities.

And my abilities.

And I'm often asking myself if I'm good enough these days.

It's really scary.

I would like to think of myself as a confident person, but lately everything's been going horribly wrong. My self-confidence is at an all time low. I feel like I deserve more love and more affection than I'm getting from the people around me. I wish people would be happy for me for a change and not try to bring me down at all times like they do.

No matter how hard I try, I reach a plateau where I feel like I can never be good enough and so instead of rising to the challenge, I merely choose to run away.

I can't help it.

That's how/who I am.

My body is craving for a high. Any high. Just to escape, yet again...

I wonder what it is about me that intimidates other women or makes them HATE me so much!

:|

The Rain Song

I've been listening to a lot of stuff that I would in the past, which I think helped in shaping me the way I am today. It's been a long time, but Nirvana, The Doors, The Beatles, Led Zeppelin, Queen, Radiohead, Soundgarden and Coldplay (I'm sure I've missed a few bands!) will ALWAYS occupy a very special place in my heart...

(if you don't think this is beautiful, then my friend, you are incapable of understanding music and love)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S4v-_p5dU34

Lameting The Loss of Good Music

I've been writing lately. A LOT, all in the pursuit of trying to make some nice clean original music. But the music scene in the city is starting to frustrate me a little. Over this past one year, I've discovered that there are different levels that exist in the music circuit in the city.

• The BIG names and the BIG gig bands
• The almost BIG names and the almost BIG gig bands.
• The regular gig bands.
• The genius but un-commercial and un-interested bands
• The bands that are worshipped by the mass
• The bands that are worshipped by the class
• The wannabe-s

Now the levels don't really allow much change and most categories remain the same forever. But recently, I've been going to watch some of the competitions that take place at round this time of the year and I've faced nothing but heartbreak so far.

WHAT HAPPENED TO ALL THE GOOD BANDS???

I see around me not musicians or people who're trying to get there. I see around me just some brainless/musicality-less pompous assholes who know not the slightest thing about music. Their arrogance shocks me, really. They think no end of themselves and just because they win a competition they think that they're great.

WAKE UP!!

The only reason why you're winning is because you're competing against equally bad, if not worse outfits (I refuse to call them musicians/bands...sorry!) Same time, last year, you wouldn't even dare to take part in these events and even if you did, you probably got raped by the brilliant musicians (who seem to have gone into hiding this year!)...so don't think we're stupid. I lion is the king of the jungle because of his superiority, not because there are only mice and ants around and he the lone powerful one.

Ideally, I shouldn't really let it get to me, because I've never been a part of the competition circuit, I jumped straight to That Place Else's A-circle and haven't looked back since. But every time I open facebook, and see how pigs these days are flying, it REALLY does irritate and frustrate me, to the point where I'm contemplating the formation of a new project with a few close friends just to show these retards what making good music is really about.

*sigh*

It's like Kalyug (the age of chaos in Hindu mythology)...we need a saviour. Somebody like Nishchay Parekh, (woohoo, I actually took a really real name!), will you please do the honours and save the world?

Sometimes I wish I were a boy.

That way, obese mustached men old enough to be my father wouldn't molest me in public transport.

That way, I'd be able to dress up the way I want to without having to hear catcalls from random eve-teasers in the streets.

That way, nobody would randomly comment on my body on the road.

That way, nobody would make me feel insecure about myself.

And break my self-confidence into a million pieces.

That way, nobody would look me funny if I walked into a bar and ordered a drink just by myself.

That way I wouldn't have to worry about coming back home alone after dark without getting groped.

That way, nobody would touch me.

That way, nobody would grope me.

That way, nobody would molest me.

That way, nobody would rape me...

That way, everyday wouldn't be a challenge like it is now in order to protect whatever is left of my honour..

I Need To Start Naming My Posts Again.

It's raining.

My body (or maybe just my mind?) is craving for a high.

I have been listening to Nirvana for about 3 hours now, continuously!

*screams*

(besides, this is what I look like when I'm high. NOT FUNNY, aint it?)

I've pictured a meeting with the monster a 100 times in my head. What if I meet him on the road one day...gloat about how happy I am these days and how it's actually all because of the fact that I encountered him 7 years ago or just pretend like I can't remember (at all) who he is and just let it go as if nothing happened?

I will never know.

I DO NOT believe in such chance encounters. Everything does happen for a reason. My life has found new meaning. Nothing/ no one could change that!

There are so many things that I could write about. But I can't. Whatever happened to the good old freedom of speech and expression?

*makes sad face*

They say that alcohol is like buttsex...it's an acquired taste, it satisfies a percentage of your needs and it's safe. But never ever can it be the real thing. Never can it fully satisfy you, satiate you.

Marijuana can never be replaced.

Neither can sex be replaced.

Oh dear lord, what kind of a world are we living in, where sex, drugs and rock and roll are the only thing that matters!

PS~I DON'T SMOKE weed anymore, haven't for months now. Turns out that it is bad for my throat. Also, I do not practise sodomy either. Go figure!

There are good days.

Bad days.

And days when you fall in love all over again!

:)

Like being kicked in the stomach, repeatedly.

I'm trying to purge out all the thoughts.

But they never do exit my system, they keep coming back once in a while.

I see traces of my monster everywhere. It's hidden somewhere deep down inside all the people who matter to me, waiting to pounce on me. Waiting to scratch my face and disfigure me. Waiting to taint my soul with it's impure blood, again.

It's a cyclic process.

There is no beginning.

There is no end.

At least for now.

The nightmares now come and go like they're a part of the scripted reality (and part fiction) that I live in.

I'm wasting away, with each passing minute. I'm disappearing into the big nothingness that is time. I'm fading into oblivion. I'm losing my life in the gamble of fate, destiny and death.

I'm dying.

With each second that's flying past, I'm growing old. And ugly. And weary. And fragile.

Stop, please?

What My Tattoos Stand For.

My Eternal Love For Kurt Cobain: not because I love his music, but because it signifies a phase in my life which has molded me into what I am today.

http://www.bhagavad-gita.org/Gita/verse-02-20.html

http://www.bhagavad-gita.org/Gita/verse-04-06.html

This Week's Love(s)

• HYPERBOLE AND A HALF is turning out to be my favourite blog of all times. Like really! http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/
• Clipping by Mutemath. Genius. This song reinforces my belief in being able to get high without weed, without alcohol without hash, without any intoxicant!

• Ancient Indian History. I'm starting to like my paper on Ancient Indian history this semester at the JOO. I may not pass AB's paper by any means, but hey, atleast I LIKE what I'm studying!

• Which brings me to the next one, the JOO (also known as Jadavpur University, Kolkata, incase you're an outsider) Dude, 14 fuckin' years of hell later, I have finally found and educational institution which has accepted me with open arms for who I am ad not who they want me to be!

A Bit Of Cliched Banter.

I need to write more often.

*sigh*

Where is the time?

Where is the interest?

Where is my mind?

Boyfriend and I have been spending an obscene amount of quality time together these days. I hope it stays that way, I really do. It's funny how the transition from being the best of friends to lovers never seemed awkward to us. Sometimes when I'm lying in his arms, playing silly games or just enjoying a moment of solitude together, I wonder why life's being so good to me for a change. It's almost as though I'm being rewarded for all the hardships that I've had to go through over the years.

When I look into those eyes, I don't see someone who lusts for me, I don't see someone who wants me for the sake of it, I don't see someone who's with me for fame or for fortune or for any hidden agenda.

I see someone who loves me back as much as I love him.

That's all I need.

Boyfriend's the kind who'll stick with you no matter what. He'll hold on to you even though you're trying to push him away. He'll break down all the walls that you create around you, once in a while, to isolate yourself from the world. He's the kind who'll not refer to you as "hot"/"sexy" cause he thinks you're beautiful-even when you have a pimple outbreak or a swollen and deformed lip as a result of an insect bite. He'll kiss your tears away and best of all, he ALWAYS knows when it's a good time for a massive bear hug to lift your spirits!

I've never felt this way before. It's almost as though all this is just too good to be true. Nearly half a fuckin' year together and he STILL makes me go weak in the knees like it's the first day that we're together together.

So those of you who predicted that we wouldn't get past a month, EAT YOUR OWN SHIT. Hah!

*gives imaginary Best friend-esque hi-5 to boyfriend*

Too much sex.

Too much wine.

And she starts to believe

that she's all mine.

Hah.

When Life Takes Back What It Gives You

It is said that only those who have come face to face with death know the actual value of their life. We apparently learn to appreciate what we have only when we are on the brink of losing it or have lost it.

It was 3 am in the morning, we had just dropped off one of our members and were on our way back home after our gig. The car, a majestic beast, was strolling down the dark and hauntingly eerie road when the incident took place. I was about to drift into a sweet slumber like I usually do, when I heard the voices screaming out. But before my brain could grasp what was happening, I saw gigantic iron rods puncturing the car, smashing the windshield into a million little pieces. Some of it became dust, shining brilliantly like diamonds, poking into our skin as the wind joined forces to cause injury to us mortals. The majestic beast became crushed, crumpled and so powerless in a fraction of a second. Like the death of a star, ruling the universe one second and getting lost in oblivion the next, like the sudden transition from a lion to a lamb.

For a minute I thought that it was all over.

And contrary to popular belief, my whole life didn't flash before my eyes, just the faces of the people who I loved the most.

My parents. Him.

As we regained control of the situation, after a momentary lapse of reason, all four of us sitting in that car became numb. Too numb to speak. Too numb to breathe. Too numb to feel.

What I, or rather we, experienced in the dawn was nothing short of a miracle. Those iron bars could have taken our heads and our lives with them, but they chose to take the life of the car instead and we escaped only with minor injuries and a lifetime of fear.

I have always been a rational person, not believing in miracles and all that jazz. But how else could I possibly explain what happened to us yesterday?

The aftermath, like the skeleton of the car, needs a lot of time to be fixed, in order to be cleansed from our system.

I'm trying really hard to erase the memory from my brain but so far I've been pretty unsuccessful. Like the pieces of minute glass etched into my skin, it'll take time to fix myself up once again, the same goes for the others as well. The physical scars may heal, but who will mend the heart?

When destiny decides to take your life away, even if it's for a fraction of a second, you realise that life is nothing short of a gift and that each moment may be your last here on earth. So it' s best to cherish it.

It sounds very clichéd, I know, but trust me, only those who have seen the ugly face of death for a brief period of time will know what life's worth at the end of the day. I pity those who commit suicide and throw it all away just like that...

I'm so lucky to be alive.

Very very lucky.

And Thus. And This.

The little girl lives

with the old man, his memories to keep

him company.

The dog wags it's tail.

Salivates.

Chewing on the bone of discontent.

The little girl lays in the green grass.

Looks up at the blue sky.

Sees the clouds of illusion.

Fueling her imagination.

The old man smokes his tobacco.

The dog wags it's tail.

The little girl falls into the hole.

The old man is too old to rescue her.

The dog wags it's tail.

Still chewing on the bone of discontent.

The little girl stays there.

Falls deeper and deeper and deeper.

Till she hits the floor.

Breaks her spine.

And dies...

I HAVE To Post This!

I turn 19 tomorrow, my last year on this earth as a teenager. It's been quite a journey so far but somehow I still feel like an underachiever. There are so many things that I should have done and so many things that I should not have done, but then again, these different twists and turns have made me who I am today.

I HATED it when I turned 18, all the fun things in life were legal and not so much fun anymore. I have no comments about 19, cause 16 onwards things just keep getting worse.

So if last year brought out the musician in me (incidentally, I complete a year of pursuing music professionally the day after), let's see what this year has in store.

Or maybe not.