Heartbreaks Come All At Once.

You're in your haze.

You see me.

You put your arms around me.

Take me with you.

You take our clothes off.

You kiss me.

You make love to me.

You finish.

I'm crying, again.

I'm dying, again.

Look what you've done.

You're just like them.

You're just like everyone.

"Abala Nari"

As much as I love this city, there are certain places which I wish I had never visited and there are certain people living in it who I wish I had never met. Killjoys, bloody killjoys I tell you.

Every time I see them, I secretly laugh at the charade that they put on. They laugh and they make merry today, but mark my words, destiny can be cruel to those who are cruel to others. They will get it back one day. Destiny will erase that smile off their faces one day. Who will pick them up then, their fair weather friends?

I know I sound like a cynic, but I'm not one. I have SEEN bad things happening to those who deserve it. People always get what they deserve no matter what. My friends are often annoyed with how nonchalant I am about my ex-boyfriend, despite all the trauma that he caused. But I'm not a psychopathic ex-girlfriend out to seek "revenge" on him. Despite all the lies. Despite all the deceit and despite all the hurt and the pain, I feel nothing for him. He chose to be unnecessarily evil with me, I don't need to do anything about it, he will eventually get it all back. Let time carry out it's work.

So dear all, you may think that you can fool everybody and get away with it every time, but you're largely mistaken. You WILL get it all back eventually. So if you're not scared already, then you should be. The wrath of a wronged woman is far greater a force than even the strongest tempest in the world.

Stereotypes and Typos

At a time when the possibilities of making it into a grade-A college seems next to impossible, one either tends to break down or ignore the problem like it's not happening. I'm doing neither.

If I don't make the cut, I wont. No point in worrying over things that I can't change. These are stories whose endings I cannot rewrite, I do not have the power to do so.

But it's disheartening to see how science and commerce rejects get through to courses designed for students who have an inclination towards the arts subjects, whereas those who spend two years studying the same in school are the ones who're left out in the cold because of the fact that they do not score as much as the "commerce" and "science" students.

I know I don't have the right to complain, but I can't help but feel bad about how fucked up the educational system in India really is.

We call ourselves "modern" and we claim that we've attained international standards, but then, why are such medieval biases still prevalent in the country?

I don't know what the future has in store for me, but right now, I know for a fact that I can't let this muck bring me down.

UK achhe toh!

Not My Time, Not My Kind

That's what I keep telling myself to get over minor failures from time to time. It makes the disappointment go away somehow.

It clears my head of those nasty thoughts.

Stuff that would make you shiver.

Thoughts that would make me a potential threat to you.

But I'm not.

I'm as passive as passive can be.

Don't hate me so much, it could kill you one day.

Life's always about drama-unbelievable highs and nauseating lows. It's the part in between that really bothers me.

I can't stand mediocrity.

It's probably my worst nightmare.

But nightmares aren't real!

:)

Virgin Mary Sluts

I DESPISE the virgin Mary type sluts that I see around me. If there's one thing that I can't stand, it's pretense, like I've mentioned before. I don't get it, everybody has carnal needs and desires, everybody does it. So why the holier-than-thou bullshit?

You may fool everybody.

You may think everybody is nasty.

But at the end of the day, you know you're no different from the ones you look down upon.

They're a notch better in fact, they don't pretend to be someone they're not.

I know for a fact that just because I'm open about my sexuality, people have the time and the energy to degrade me, but you know what, I've crossed the stage of caring, I'm not a nun. I have a nice and healthy sex life, if anybody has a problem with that then. "Quite frankly my dear, I give a damn.."

Bleh..:/

• If you're a vocalist, a throat infection is probably the worst thing that could happen to you. Damn you French weather. The infection is pretty darn serious now, let's just hope for the best (read earlier the recovery, the better for me, professionally!)
• Songwriting is a piece of cake. Yeah right! *chuckles in disapproval*
• The heat is taking a toll on me. The fan is not enough. The air conditioner is not enough. I feel like shaving my head and immersing myself in a pool of ice.
• I am broke. I hate it. :X
• I miss eating NK's chowmein during class!
• But I STILL don't miss school!
• My love-life is TOO overwhelming at the moment. Like I said, I can't think of anything but him...sheesh!
• *insert wise-ass comment here*

I'm going to go back to bed now, the fever is back...:(

My obsession with my love for him is taking quite a toll on me. I can't think of anything beyond him. It's sheer madness I tell you.

I shall be back to the blogosphere once I recover.

Hopefully sometime soon.

Peace.

Sappy Post Chronicle #4

There are times when I wonder if I'm hallucinating because this is too good to be true.

This.

Us.

They say that perfection is a thing of fantasies. But what is this then? Nothing short of perfect I would say.

*touches wood*

Getting wet in the rain.

Cooking ourselves a meal.

Living together this way.

Holding your hand as we walk on the road.

Simple things make me happy.

This is the stuff that dreams are made of.

Not just mine.

Yours as well.

I love you.

I don't think I have fallen in love with someone this deeply so far in life.

I don't think I ever will.

For all the things that make you who you are and for all the things that make me go weak in the knees,

Thank you.

:)

Turmoil

Turning round.

Feeling blue.

Is it me

You want to screw?

Messing up

Messing my head.

Picking up

Of what's left.

Don't look at me today.

I'll be gone tomorrow.

You can't hold me back.

Your counter-attack

Doesn't work anymore.

The more I'm with you, the more I want to be with you.

You're just too much for me.

Can you see,

just how much I'm in love with you?

Sex-hay

Love you say it is.

But is it?

Why are they always a priority then,

And not me?

Love you say it is.

But are you sure,

this time?

I'm tired of being the one who always finishes second.

I'm tired of being the one who's always last on the priority list.

I'm tired of being the "revenge".

I'm tired of being the new game.

I'm tired of the "fill-in"

But is this something that I'm destined to be?

To think of it,

it's my call

Really.

It's me v/s them.

They'll always win.

He's been around much longer.

She's been around much longer.

They've been around much longer.

That's okay.

I'm used to being treated like a second class citizen.

A slave.

Your slave.

Maybe it's meant to be.

It's probably my destiny.

To deserve nothing.

It's all good.

I'll take it in my stride.

After all, I'm just a joker.

Only a part-time goddess.

For you.

Crying these incessant tears.

But you're probably too stuck up to even notice.

That's okay.

It's all good.

Tomorrow I'll probably find another you.

But till then, I'll just have to get used to your ways.

Hawww-ness, Awww-ness and Ex-Girlfriends.

{I think I'm stuck in a perpetual cycle of having to deal with ex-girlfriends (both mine and the people I date) who are overtly hung up on their previous relationship.}

This one's for you sweet heart:

I really don't get the point. If you're the one who decided to call it quits the first time, then why are you so keen to go back to the way things were, that too the minute someone new steps in?

Girl, you've had your chance. You took him for a ride. You played your cards well. You manipulated him till nothing was left for him to give you. Just because he's starting to be a somebody now, you're trying to crawl back into his life again.

Why?

You say he's forgotten things.

He hasn't.

You have.

You've forgotten how you cheated.

How you lied.

Made him want to kill himself.

You never even loved him, it was all for the kicks, wasn't it?

So why this drama?

Why this charade?

Everybody can see through the lies you know. People aren't as stupid as you think them to be.

Anyway, I'm just being a good Samaritan. You have all the right to abuse me. You have all the right to talk about me as if I'm the vamp who's "stolen" him from you.

That's okay.

All that wont really change the way I feel about him or he feels about me.

Two words for you babe:

MOVE ON!

:)

~Bleh~

Moderation clearly does not exist in me.

It's something that I lack.

So you there, yeah you,

what's your plan of attack?

Hit me.

Hurt me.

Love me.

Fuck me.

I'm never going to be yours.

It's not a thought.

It's a fact.

No ifs, no buts

No ors.

Stranded

Halfway across the world,

In a foreign land.

Nobody to dry my tears

Nobody to hold my hand.

A sea of new faces.

A place where the sun doesn't shine.

A land where I'm just a stranger.

A land where nothing is mine.

The cold and lonely nights.

The dark afternoon rain.

I'm sinking in a sea of sorrow.

I'm drowning in my pain.

This glitz is just for the eyes.

My heart still is sore.

I can't fake my sanity like this.

I can't live like this anymore.

I don't want to be so stranded.

I want to go back home.

Where your warm embrace awaits me.

Where I'm not alone.

Here and There

When the going gets tough, you break down and cry. Or so I have learnt.

I miss you, I really do.

I want to go back home, hold you and never let go of you ever again.

You know how much I love you, don't you?

I Bruise Easily, Don't You?

Despite all the years of therapy/self-realization/blah, the fact remains that I am pretty messed up. The thoughts in my head are not funny at all. You'd be shocked (read surprised, in case you're a sadist) to see how easily I bruise, despite my seemingly tough exterior. I may try to convince myself that I've been through the worst of times and so nothing could hurt me, but I prove myself wrong every single time. It still hurts like a bitch.

Things are hurting me more than they would earlier, as I grow older. It's not funny. It's not funny at all. Where is my invincibility?

Getting raped is no big deal.

But maybe it is.

It's not the physical bit that scars you for life. As you grow older, you tend to overlook that. It's the breach of trust, it's the fact that you've been forced to surrender to someone who is "superior" to you, it's the flashback of memories which come to you in bits and pieces as you close your eyes that break you down.

It happened again today.

Realization happened today too.

The memories only come back to me when I am hurt. The try to put themselves into place like pieces in a puzzle. I can't shut my eyes. The fragments won't go away. It's scary. It's my worst nightmare. I can't make it stop. I can't make the feelings go away. It's as though he's raping me all over again as I close my eyes.

I am messed up.

But then again, if you went through the shit that I have gone through, I wouldn't expect you to be normal either.

You own the key.

To set me free.

From the little locked cage.

Harami

Shut your eyes,

do you see me?

Gag yourself.

Set me free.

You'll never know how I feel.

You'll never know what's in my head.

Because I don't kiss and tell.

Because I know I do it well...