Hawww-ness, Awww-ness and Ex-Girlfriends.

{I think I'm stuck in a perpetual cycle of having to deal with ex-girlfriends (both mine and the people I date) who are overtly hung up on their previous relationship.}

This one's for you sweet heart:

I really don't get the point. If you're the one who decided to call it quits the first time, then why are you so keen to go back to the way things were, that too the minute someone new steps in?

Girl, you've had your chance. You took him for a ride. You played your cards well. You manipulated him till nothing was left for him to give you. Just because he's starting to be a somebody now, you're trying to crawl back into his life again.

Why?

You say he's forgotten things.

He hasn't.

You have.

You've forgotten how you cheated.

How you lied.

Made him want to kill himself.

You never even loved him, it was all for the kicks, wasn't it?

So why this drama?

Why this charade?

Everybody can see through the lies you know. People aren't as stupid as you think them to be.

Anyway, I'm just being a good Samaritan. You have all the right to abuse me. You have all the right to talk about me as if I'm the vamp who's "stolen" him from you.

That's okay.

All that wont really change the way I feel about him or he feels about me.

Two words for you babe:

MOVE ON!

:)

~Bleh~

Moderation clearly does not exist in me.

It's something that I lack.

So you there, yeah you,

what's your plan of attack?

Hit me.

Hurt me.

Love me.

Fuck me.

I'm never going to be yours.

It's not a thought.

It's a fact.

No ifs, no buts

No ors.

Stranded

Halfway across the world,

In a foreign land.

Nobody to dry my tears

Nobody to hold my hand.

A sea of new faces.

A place where the sun doesn't shine.

A land where I'm just a stranger.

A land where nothing is mine.

The cold and lonely nights.

The dark afternoon rain.

I'm sinking in a sea of sorrow.

I'm drowning in my pain.

This glitz is just for the eyes.

My heart still is sore.

I can't fake my sanity like this.

I can't live like this anymore.

I don't want to be so stranded.

I want to go back home.

Where your warm embrace awaits me.

Where I'm not alone.

Here and There

When the going gets tough, you break down and cry. Or so I have learnt.

I miss you, I really do.

I want to go back home, hold you and never let go of you ever again.

You know how much I love you, don't you?

I Bruise Easily, Don't You?

Despite all the years of therapy/self-realization/blah, the fact remains that I am pretty messed up. The thoughts in my head are not funny at all. You'd be shocked (read surprised, in case you're a sadist) to see how easily I bruise, despite my seemingly tough exterior. I may try to convince myself that I've been through the worst of times and so nothing could hurt me, but I prove myself wrong every single time. It still hurts like a bitch.

Things are hurting me more than they would earlier, as I grow older. It's not funny. It's not funny at all. Where is my invincibility?

Getting raped is no big deal.

But maybe it is.

It's not the physical bit that scars you for life. As you grow older, you tend to overlook that. It's the breach of trust, it's the fact that you've been forced to surrender to someone who is "superior" to you, it's the flashback of memories which come to you in bits and pieces as you close your eyes that break you down.

It happened again today.

Realization happened today too.

The memories only come back to me when I am hurt. The try to put themselves into place like pieces in a puzzle. I can't shut my eyes. The fragments won't go away. It's scary. It's my worst nightmare. I can't make it stop. I can't make the feelings go away. It's as though he's raping me all over again as I close my eyes.

I am messed up.

But then again, if you went through the shit that I have gone through, I wouldn't expect you to be normal either.

You own the key.

To set me free.

From the little locked cage.

Harami

Shut your eyes,

do you see me?

Gag yourself.

Set me free.

You'll never know how I feel.

You'll never know what's in my head.

Because I don't kiss and tell.

Because I know I do it well...

To Whom It May Concern

Dear All,

1. Please don't make random assumptions about me. Just because I'm skinny doesn't mean that I'm anorexic. Just because I'm trying to make it as a musician doesn't mean that I do drugs. Just because I have had a promiscuous phase in the past doesn't mean that I'm always going to be like that. You get the point, right?
2. Just because I am bisexual doesn't mean that I am a nymphomaniac. I am NOT attracted to every boy/girl I meet. I am in a committed relationship and I will NOT make out with you like the good old days. I believe in fidelity. Love scores over lust for me, every single time.
3. I will NOT forgive a cheater, never. I may act normal to make you feel at ease, but deep down inside, I will never get over it.
4. I believe in chivalry. Yes, it's the little things that matter the most. You don't have to drop me home at all times, but a text message asking me if I've gotten back home safe and sound or not really makes my heart melt.
5. If you don't love me, then don't say it.
6. If you love me, then I'll be looking right into your eyes to see if you mean it or not. If you fail the test, I won't say anything about it to you, but I'll never believe you again, even if you mean it the next time.
7. I'm not interested in your looks/money/fame/popularity/charm/blah. I have plenty of those things already. So don't assume things. You're the one who'll look stupid, not me.
8. I will never go back on my words. I don't say things that I don't mean. Try and make me!
9. If you call me a slut/bitch/psychopath, then you're judging me. It makes you one too.
10. Don't copy me. It annoys the crap out of me. You are unique, introspect and find your inner diva/god, i'm sure it's there somewhere.

Thank you very much.

Good night.

A Job Well Done.

She lit her pot.

Alone.

She liked smoking the greenery on her own.

Besides, who could keep her company?

She was too perverted, too eccentric and too intimidating to enjoy company.

On a trip.

Her head felt light.

Psychedelia.

The stuff that orange elephants and pretty pink umbrellas are made of.

He came to her.

As always.

He was right on time.

As always.

He took off her clothing piece by piece.

And then his own,

devouring her with his eyes.

It was a job well done.

She thought hours later.

As they lay naked and in each others' arms.

This could be heaven, she thought.

This could be a very good trip, thought he.

The finishing act.

He embraced her.

She lost control when she was in his arms.

He took out his knife.

Stabbed her.

Repeatedly.

Till no more blood remained in her body.

Blood on his clothes.

Blood on the floor.

Blood here.

Blood there.

Blood, bloody everywhere.

Murder she wrote.

Murder it was.

The Enchantress and The Ex.

I looked straight into her eyes.

I was not the one to mince my words.

Back off, bitch.

She did.

She ran into the bushes.

The war was over, or was it?

No, she came back with a gun.

She shot through his heart.

He bled.

He bled.

He bled.

But he bled for me.

She was not going to give up this easily.

She tried kissing him back to life.

It didn't work.

She spread her legs as far apart as she could.

It didn't work either.

He was not like any other ordinary man.

He wasn't an infidel.

He wasn't a heretic.

I was his goddess.

She danced her dance of death.

She cried her sea of tears.

She uttered sweet nothings into his ears.

She pleasured him.

That sadist.

But he just didn't fall for it.

When the deed's been done,

When the storm has passed,

When the pieces have settled,

She will return.

She will come back to haunt him.

But I won't let her this time.

I am the lioness.

She's just the arrogant lamb.

I can cut her into pieces.

I can rip her apart.

But I won't.

I don't need to.

She doesn't exist in our world.

Fidelity is not a lost virtue.

It still exists,very much exists.

You're a mess.

You're a mess.

You're a mess.

Looks like you've won.

Jeremy, put your pants back on.

Sappy Post Chronicle #3 :The 'L' Word.

He's like a child, I can see the madness in his eyes. He says he's in love with me, I believe him. What is love, but madness?

We're two mad children-oblivious to all else, as long as we have each other. He's all I need and I'm all he needs. It's as simple as that. Love is as simple as that. It doesn't have to be all that complicated. If you're forever having to make compromises and if you're forever crying yourself to sleep. Chances are, you're not in love. Even if you are, love like that is comparable to a temporary phase. It comes just as quickly as it goes.

It's not adrenaline. It's love. It's euphoria. It's ecstasy.

I am starting to surprise myself with my own maturity. I don't need to use someone or something as my crutch anymore. I'm strong enough to stand on my own two feet and call the shots. I feel like a flower that's blossoming. This happiness is contagious. But the best part is that I need nothing more.

I don't doubt if his feelings for me are genuine or not, his smile gives it away. Every time he holds me, I feel safe and I feel complete. There's so much more to my life now. It's all because of him. They all came and went. Some wanted me to fulfill their carnal desires, some wanted me for they thought of me as their achievement, some wanted me to shut out other people who were previously in their life and some wanted me, well, just for the merriment.

But that's okay.

You're never going to find your prince unless you kiss a few frogs in the process.

He's well aware of my tragedy-laden/colourful past and he accepts me for who I am. Heck, he'd do anything to be with me, even if that means giving up the other most precious thing in his life and I would gladly do the same.

Are we "meant to be" then?

That only time will tell, but for now, the thought of seeing his face in a few hours gets my heart to start beating faster. If this isn't love, well, what is?

Love Paradox

Blood on your face.

Blood in your hands.

You killed me.

You killed me well.

But left the carcass lying around.

They hovered over me like vultures.

As you stood there smoking your cigarette.

You didn't save me from them.

You didn't do what you said you would.

But now I'm dripping poison.

Poison in my veins.

Poison on my tongue.

Oh my, look what you've done!

Note To Self:

If you're going to start wearing his clothes, people WILL know. Dumbass!

Sappy Post Chronicle #2

I wake up on the wrong side of the bed.

My body aching in bits and pieces.

The coffee is cold.

The neighbours are screaming their lungs out.

I miss my bus.

I'm late for work.

I do my hair meticulously just to have it disheveled by the rain.

My shoes are mismatched.

There's a rip in my shirt.

Smudged kohl.

Tired eyes.

I'm lost in a sea of faces.

I'm all alone.

I'm about to give up.

But then I see you,

shining like the light of a thousand million suns.

I'm in love.

And the world's not such a bad place after all.

You turn it around.

Life's good again...

Sappy Post Chronicle #1

They all know our secret.

Doesn't matter.

It changes nothing.

It changes not a thing.

I still love you.

If not more.

It was always you.

You were the one.

The man behind my smile.

The man I'd been dreaming of.

One kiss.

One evening.

And everything fell into place.

"Tera Hi Karam"

I couldn't love you more.

I couldn't love you less.

Your love is like a shadow.

It follows me wherever I go, even when you're not around.

Your love is like the due that life owed me for the nightmares that I've been through.

Your love keeps me safe.

Your love keeps me going.

Your love has given me life.

You have given me this strange, new life.

I know what love is now.

You've taught me

and you've taught me well.

I feel free,

from the shackles of my past.

The sins of my past.

The punishments of my sins.

I'm a free soul.

You've set me free.

Yes, you're the one.

I have waited for you for all these years.

You're my Prince Charming.

You're the only thing that matters now.

If I die today, I'll die a happy person.

I've found all that I've been looking for.

I've found my salvation.

You're my salvation.

I am who I am and it's all because of you.

Your love has brought me where I am today.

But you know what, all this doesn't matter.

I may not deserve someone like you.

So I'll always stand somewhere around the corner,

hidden, well hidden from you.

Loving you till my last breath.

And never forgetting this song-that we both listened to together on a random afternoon as time passed us by.

-Falling deeper in love.

-Being drawn into your arms as if by magic.

There, I'm starting to get carried away by thoughts of you again.

I can't help it.

I just love you too much...

Cheap Slut

The lies are coming out of the can.

Like worms.

Like worms that bred on your deeds.

Deeds of sin.

Sin of seeds.

Seeds of adultery.

The seeds of pretense.

You planted them.

You watered them.

But you forgot to protect them from the storm.

I can see through you.

I can see what lies beneath the glass surface of those eyes.

A void.

Yeah that's right, a big damn void.

They all know what a big faker you are.

They think you're fake.

They're right.

You thought of me as a prostitute,

but the joke's on you now.

What are you going to do?