Observations: School

School life is supposed to be one of the most fulfilling phases in one's life right? Well, yes it is, unless you got to my school, which in one word can be described as HELL.
But anyway, today was my last official working day in Class Eleven, so here's a post dedicated to my observations of my classmates and my school:

• Most people are ugly and selfish, layers of kajal and lip gloss cannot hide that!
• Apart from a few, my class is dumb enough not to know the meaning of 'vote bank', i kid you not!!
• Political Science is logical and interesting. But some idiots lack the common sense to answer questions based on observation, they fail to do so EACH AND EVERY DAY!!
• The minute i get to school, I wish I could go back home..."Home is where the heart is..."
• I have a strange craving for nicotine and caffeine when i'm in school, something that i normally may not have..
• Most people are rampant cheaters. They've always cheated in everything in life, yet somehow evil always prevails over good. They never get caught!
• The cheaters and the manipulators always go far ahead in life, the honest ones do not. life is unfair, you just HAVE to accept that and move on...
• Nobody actually gives a fuck, Most only PRETEND to do so, the rest are not as good when it comes to acting, so thankfully, they don't even try!
• Thin is in. Being narrow-minded is in. Ignorance tops the list though!
• Being loud, obnoxious and bitchy does attract a lot of attention but if someone is smart, then he/she will understand how empty and shallow you actually are. It's just that my class, with it's below-average intellect fails to do so!
• There is a picture of 'Jai HanumanJi Ki' in our classroom, right above the greenboard...why?!
  

Deep Inside of You: Third Eye Blind

I feel very deeply for music. It has been a wonderful companion to me almost all my life (or whatever bit of life i have experienced so far!). Unlike most people or things, it's something that remains with you. My love for it is like an ever shining star~it shall burn for me till the day that i die, and if i am fortunate enough to compose at least one piece before i die, I'd consider myself to be very lucky!

But today, which started out as any other ordinary day went on to become the day I would finally come to terms with a lot of things that I never thought I would:
(I'm going to be a good CBSE student now and put down my observations in point form!)

1. One of the main reason why I'm so friggin' OBSESSED with music is probably because I have a whole palette of memories associated with each song that i listen to.
Association kills the joy in being able to carefully scrutinize a song, but hey what the hell, who cares about the technicalities anyway?!

This theory probably does stand true in my case because i thought of why i love Nirvana so much today, and i realized that i have a thread of inter-connected memories that i associate with Nirvana. To me, Nirvana is not just about the music, but that whole phase in my life, when i spent every single day listening to their albums continuously, amidst all the camaraderie!

Also, the fact that i felt connected to Kurt's lyrics acted as an added incentive to do all that i really did and all think that i really thought.

The same...pretty much...goes for The Doors, The Beatles, Pink Floyd, Soundgarden and Radiohead as well.


2. Though i hate to admit this, but as a kid, I was madly in love with the Backstreet Boys and a part of me still is. My life in the mid 1990's were all about innocence, i was innocent. I did not know of the cruel ways of the world. The Backstreet Boys' music was innocent and young, it was devoid of any underlying complications...just like my life back then. Sweet. Upbeat. Happy. Maybe a little stupid, but very cute.


3. Most boys would like to have sex with me, at least the ones who know me and have met me in flesh and blood. They think of me as a 'readily available slut who you can diddle whenever you want to'. I have come to terms with that and "quite frankly my dear, I don't give a damn!"

Yes, i have been through a crazy-hormonal period when I've felt the need to get laid by boys and i so have. I don't see anything wrong with having sex with a male friend if you're not going out with anyone. Sex is not just about love, all that is just crap that Hindi movies show to make money! Sex is a bodily function and if you label me as a slut just because i enjoy good sex and have no qualms in talking about it, then that really isn't my problem now, is it?!

Yes by the way, this was when i was introduced to Led Zeppelin.


4. No matter how many people i may surround myself with, at the end of the day, I'm still alone as hell and nobody really can understand me completely. Nobody knows me better than I know myself and when people say that they know better than I know myself, i feel like spitting on/ blowing smoke in their face!

This attitude was heavily influenced by punk/alternative stuff like Marilyn Manson, Greenday, Blink 182 and the like...


5. Sappy pop songs STILL hold a very special place in my heart. I mean c'mon, how many of us haven't really fallen for stuff like 'I'm Like A Bird' by Nelly Furtado?! (it's currently playing on my music player, hence the mention...:)

This brings me to yet another self-discovery, no matter how bitchy/mean/slutty/cool/liberal/rational and practical i may think myself to be, at the end of the day, I'm still soft under all those intelligent layers which try to cover up this fact!


6. Last but the definitely not the least:
Music was something that was imbibed in me when i was a toddler, by my parents, for which I'm deeply indebted to them.
All those afternoons of Rabindrasnageet actually did help a lot in getting to know the feel of music.

Rabindrasangeet/Baul/Indian Classical/Western Classical opened new doors for me, to a world which excited me and let me continue to explore deep within it, even after all these years and so just like little Alice, I too took a journey down the rabbit hole and the experience not only changed my life but made me who I am today!

"If music be the fruit of love, play on..."

I'm sad. I need to cry. Now.

I need to get out all the emotions that are currently bottled up tightly inside of me. I really don't know what(or is it how?) to feel anymore...There's a constant feeling of helplessness that lurks all around me. It's killing me, slow and steady.

My heart feels like stone, there is a sinking feeling in my stomach and my brain is torturing me on purpose by flashing random memories that are brimming my eyes with tears~of sadness and not of joy.

I hate feeling this way, i want to cry and more importantly, i want to end the pain that i am being subjected to mercilessly...
I hate this sinking and throbbing feeling of utter helplessness...

I need a hug, and some assurance that all will be well, is that too much to ask for?!

Terribly Flawed!

Though I've done a lot of awful things in life, deep down within, I STILL believe that I'm a good person.
So I spend hours in front of the mirror, paying very close attention to what I look like.
But you never seem to notice, am I THAT ugly?!

This Was Long Overdue.

I need to change the way I look, maybe sober down a little bit.
I need to change the way how I'm a rather liberal-thinker who is open to all new forms of experimentation and ideas.
I need to change how I perceive people and human relationships.
I need to change the way I look at myself in the mirror and dislike who I see.
I need to change my ambitions, which seem to be getting me nowhere.
I need to change my flawed existence.
I need to change the fact that I hate giving up hope.
I need to change how I believe in karma.
I need to change my way of treating religion indifferently.
I need to change most of the things about me.

I need to change.
But if I do, what will become of me? Will I ever be the same again?

Life

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I wish life were that easy...i wish i could rewind, back to the good old days of free sex, ganja and music~life was so easy and comforting back then. Its not like I'm unhappy with the way things are right now, it's just that when you've done all that there is to do and you know almost all that there is to know, life seems like a big let down once that period an extreme high gets over...
There seems to be nothing that I look forward to when i wake up every morning, nothing!

But honestly, its not the circumstances, its not the world, the problem lies in me, I'm the one who refuses to accept that phases come and go in one's life and so you cant afford to be hung up on one after it passes.
I need to accept these changes that have slowly and painfully creeped into my life and that there is nothing i can do but to live with it...
I HAVE TO move on.

Moving on is probably the hardest thing to do once you've accepted the fact and accepted who you really are and where you really belong, but the problem with me is that i really cant!
You can ask me to quit smoking and i probably will, but asking me to let go of all those memories-both good and bad is like asking the sun to shine and the world to stop revolving!

After being stripped off of all my self-confidence and robbed of all opportunities and happiness, my memories are all that i have that keep me from breaking down and doing something drastic to myself, i surely cat let go them now, can I?
Or rather, I WILL NOT!


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I wish life were this simple. Really!
I wish I wouldn't think so much and just let things fall into place on their own for a change.
I wish.
Too bad wishes hardly ever come true...

...

i keep clinging to our memories,
of all the good times we shared,
i keep holding on to you,
but you keep pushing me away...

i wave the white flag,
i want us to be friends once more
but you're so full of yourself,
yet you're so unsure...

Its always about you,
and your carnal desires,
you're nothing but a fake,
you're nothing but a liar...

i fuckin' hate you.
i fuckin' hate your guts.
i want to fuck you.
i want to fuckin' kill you!

school

On my way back home from school today, I realised how alone i really have been all this while. My life in school sucks. I hate it. I feel like i'm being punished for sins,i havent even committed, everyday. I hate school. why shouldnt I?

My low self esteem, my vulnerability and my inability to be happy, even momentarily have roots that all lead to the same source~school.

On the very first day, i was led into a pale yellow classroom by a face i had never seen before, she was my class teacher in Lower Infant. All others around me were crying, wailing and throwing fits, they wanted to go back home, the familiar place where somebody would constantly shower them with love and attention.
I did not cry though, not even once. But after all these years, i can finally understand what those little kids were going through and damn, i'm shedding the tears that they've shed, only i'm 13 years behind them.
I do not want to go to school.I want to go back home, and i say this after i reach a point, where i have to endure this torture for only less than year. But i've had enough, i REALLy cant take it anymore.

Do you want to why i hate my school so much?
For starters, I've never been appreciated or acknowledged,not even once, for my efforts. I know i am not a brilliant student, but does that mean that my talents in other spheres will not be taken into consideration at all?!
What the part that hurts the most is when you work your butt off, only to see that your rightfully earned reward is being given away to someone else~someone who clearly does not deserve it, someone inferior to you.

It hurts when you have a dream, you're really close to achieving it,you know for sure that you will, only to have it snatched away from you.
I have been feeling this way for so long that i've stopped dreaming altogether. I've let mediocrity set into me when i'm clearly capable of excellence.


I have been let down by my school in more ways than i could ever express.
I have been let down by my classmates, who have only used me for their own benefit.
I have been let down by the management, which has done more harm than good.
I have been let down by the teachers, who have never appreciated me.
I have been let down by the students, to who i was always an outcaste.
I have been let down.
I have been let down, but most of all, i have been let down by myself, for running for too long to seek the light at the end end of the tunnel, when there clearly isnt any!

Maybe its all my fault.
Maybe i expect too much.
The world is cruel, and school is a part of it.
Maybe i am not what i think i am.
Maybe i am the jack of all trades..but the master of none..its too late now..i can never be...all my youth wasted on something that clearly was not worth it...

Music: What it does to you.

Music. The very essence of life...well MY life atleast.
I like keeping myself entertained like a little kid by making up and playing stupid little games which turn out to be a good medium to express my feelings at times. So here's one:

I like to call the 'Song/Mind Reader' and is very easy to play, all you need is an mp3 player wit your music in it and some patience and insight. All you do is put your mp3 player on shuffle mode and note down the song that plays with the first thought that comes to your mind on listening to it. I'm feeling kindda upset right now, so i guess 10 songs later, I'll feels better ( or so i would like to believe)...so on my mark...get set...GO!!

I final rule: No Cheating!!!


1. Basketcase - Greenday: Its okay to be wierd. Its okay to be depressed and lifeless all the time. I'm not the only paraniod/retard/loser on earth, Billie Joe Armstrong actually makes me feel better about myself. Oh and another, the chord structure is rather tempting and the song makes me want to crank up the volume on my distortion and play it LOUD!


2. You Dont Know How It Feels - Tom Petty: heartache heartbreak. Defeat and humiliation. Fuck. Move on man. (or write inspirational stuff) I love Tom Petty, really!


3. Sparks - Coldplay: Magic...sheer magic this song...
Is this love or am i imagining it all?
I want to love you till i can love you no more.
I dont want to wake up, just lay here in your arms forever...counting stars above and dreaming of the future...
I love you, i always will...*sigh*
*repeats song*


4. My Sharona - The Ramones: Are you horny yet, or should i make you?! ;) I want to read/view hentai...ugghh, perverted me!!
Guitar solo to die for by the way..

5. Cryin' - Aerosmith: I want to dye my hair electric blue for my 18th birthday. It does not make much sense and neither is it relevant but still!


(enough for now, I'm feeling better already so i dont want to ruin it!)

And yes, guess which song did the trick...Mrs. Robinson - Simon and Garfunkel!

:-X

This is a follow up to my previous poston male fantasies...ah well, since i cannot quite get cullen out of my mind, why not create another list?!

MY LIST OF REAL LIFE DROOL WORTHY KNIGHTS IN NOT-SO-SHINING ARMOUR
(strictly in random order) PART 1:

1.kurt cobain (duh!)
2.jim morrison (duh again!)
3.adam leveine in "She Will Be Loved"
4.travis barker (drummer, Blink 182)
5.heath ledger :'(
6.ryan phillipe (cruel intentions, need i say more?!)
7.john mayer (neon, aarrggghhh!)
8.ashton kutcher
9.gregory peck
10.anthony bourdain

Edward Cullen.

I'm hopelessly and heartbreakingly in love...with Edward, who incase you did not know, i FICTIONAL!!
I hate Stephenie Meyer for creating him and thus playing with my emotions, i think i'm losing it. i thought that my obsession with Holden Caulfield was bad, but this is worse than bad...this is downright insane!
Atleast characters like Heathcliffe, Darcy and Holden gave me hope 'cause i know that there was a high possibility of such kinds of men existing on earth...but c'mon, an Adonis-ish vampire? what the fuck!
:(
:(

I'm pissed of cause i want to Bella but i cant...I can never be, Edward is so perfect...so amazing..yet, so non-existent!

:'(
:'(

i wish i had never read the goddamn series...but what started out as mere curiosity, has now turned into my bitter-sweet obsession..
If only i could snap out of it and face reality!

i'm bored. making random lists=fun!

STUFF THAT MAKES ME GO CRAZY (in a good way) :

(in random order)

1. Kurt Cobain.

2. Jim Morrison, Jimmi Hendrix, John Lennon, Janis Joplin, John Mayer, Jimmy Page, Joan Jett, Jack White.

3. The Catcher in the Rhye.

4. Nostalgia.

5.Pain Killers

6. Vodka

7.Doodling

8.Fictional characters such as Heathcliffe, Darcy, Johnny Quest and Cullen :)

9.Forrest Gump

10.Notebooks. my fetish. i love notebooks, fancy looking ones.

11.Punk jewellery

12.Wierd but sexed out nose pins.

13.Minute Maid Pulpy Orange...chilled!

14.Phuchhkaas.

15.Chinese food in kolkata. Golden Joy! :D

16. Tintin!

17.Quizzing.

18. Drama and melodrama.

19.Antisocial and reckless behavior. :S

20.The colours black, electric blue and shocking pink.(no, i am NOT emo!)

21.Stars in the sky.

22.Short pleated skirts. i like taking full advantage of my thin legs.

23.Making out with sayar on the sly. Its so innocent and beautiful.

24.jhaal-muri

25.Adda with friends at the lakes...*sigh*

26.procastinating.

27. low budget commercial bengali movies.

28.CCD: oh, where would i be without you!

29.facebook, orkut and the like...

30.downloading stuff off youtube.

31.adobe photoshop

32.classics.

33.heart shaped box-nirvana

34.:) :D :X :'( :) ....smileys!


(to be continued...)

2009: Resolutions!

(I really dont know why i'm making myself do this...i NEVER keep my promises and my resolutions, this list is just for the sake of it...)

1. save money and get that cobain tattoo. the emphasis is on saving the money, instead of blowing it on alcohol, cigarettes and fetishes and not necessarily on the tattoo!

2. stop being so darn narcissistic.

3. study. hah! :X

4. make better use of the fender and not just play power chords on distortion. :(

5. eat vegetables. (note: paneer is NOT a vegetable)

6. control emotions in public.

7. control emotions in general.

8. idol worshipping cobain is acceptable, but not to the extent of creeping people out with my fanaticism!

9. be tolerant towards all those annoying hindi speaking-oily food eating-hairy legged marwaris in school, just one more year and i'll be outta school anyway! :)

10. GET OVER a certain someone. ugh. and no, i'm not taking names...(hint: Mr. S)

11. try to write better.

12. get that piercing count to 15 or maybe more!

13. unlucky thirteen!

14. atleast make an attempt to do what has been asked to in this list!

The World Is A Happy Place?

I tried to watch porn today. It was disturbing.
I chose one which was titled 'sexy asian boys'...sounds like fun right? wrong!


The two boys who were probably as young as i am were not performing out of pleasure but out of desperation. It showed on their face. Its funny how money can make one do the most unthinkable things on earth.


I feel really bad for all those girls and boys out there, especially the ones my age, who are forced into this business, under no matter under what circumstances. How many people would do this for fun and not out of desperation?


Selling yourself or being raped is almost the same thing. I should know for i have been a victim of abuse.
My opinions on rapists and other sinners who encourage/force young children into prostitution/pornography are hence very biased and very very harsh and i believe in no less than capital punishment for them. They are murderers of the worst kind. They murder the mind and use the body. Almost like plucking a mosquito's legs one by one and then its wings, thus leaving it to die a slow and painful death.


So anyway, these two 'sexy asian boys' may not have been gay. Why do i have a feeling that in reality they're just two very hetero teenagers who were probably forced to mess around with each other infront of a roomfull of people who were redording it...all for money?
Well that probably is the truth, but just to assure myself tonight, i shall keep telling myself that they were just two boys who were having a little fun.


I will sleep in peace tonight by assuring myself that it is the latter, but deep down inside i will know that my assurance to myself is a lie for their eyes gave it all away...

this was a draft that i re-wrote :)

she looks at herself in the mirror. critically.

he waits for her at the corner.
somewhere far away a man dies in search of salvation.
but look at these two naive fools, how quickly they find what they seek.
they seek less.
they seek love.
they seek each other.
their young hearts burn with a feverish passion.
they believe in each other.
but they possess what the man never had.
hope.

Report Card Blues.

My report card comes out today and as usual, i have done badly...why?
because i did not bother to study at all...that's why!

So here i am, blogging away to glory whereas my parents (yes, both of them!!) are at school, conspiring against me with the help of my teachers.
This nexus between teachers and parents is quite fascinating to observe. A typical parent-teacher meeting will be full of a whole lot of suspense and melodrama~enough to make a soap opera on atleast!
I've seen so many kids being dragged along the corridors by their mothers, who make a humongous but unsuccessful attempt to show that all is well and that her child is as good as everyone else's while secretly waiting to get back home and flog the life out of them.
My parents however, are not the beating kind, they are the scolding/silent treatment kind which probably is as bad as the former category. So this term is no exception...I have to wait a little longer to find out what destiny has in store for me this time though.

But the question is, why didnt i study?!
Its not like i was too busy watching porn/partying/reading up/doing household chores or for that matter, doing anything!

Rape Me.

Rape my mind.
Rape my soul.
Rape my ego.
Rape my thoughts.
Rape my dreams.
Rape my beliefs.
Rape my life.

Why just the body?

You're just too obsessed with me to accept.
You cant get me out of your head now. Can you?
You can never forget. Can you?
Will you?

I will haunt you forever.
Or maybe the next two weeks. Then what?
Will you come crawling back to me?

I feel stupid at my vulnerability.
I feel stupid in general.
I feel confused.
I am confused.


I will always love you.
But you will always rape me.

Rock On!!

i wish i was a rockstar. being in the school band is not pleasurable enough.
i like playing these power chords, i like acting like a rockstar. i love singing. i love playing the guitar. i love hogging the limelight!

music, especially when making it, gives me an adrenaline rush like no drug in this world can.

the last official performance by the school band is due on the 24th and i REALLY want to put up a good show this time. i want to prove my worth~not just to all those who think i'm not good enough, but to myself.
i know i have it in me. i have showed it time and again, all i need is a silver lining and a whole lot of practise.

i want to live my dream.
play the guitar for the crowd as i watch it mosh, headbang and scream out my name.
i want to sing. i want everybody be swept away by me.
i'm not a diva, not even close.
i'm just a girl with a dream.

But i want to make it big.
I KNOW i can make it big.
with a little practise and a whole lotta luck!