Music: What it does to you.

Music. The very essence of life...well MY life atleast.
I like keeping myself entertained like a little kid by making up and playing stupid little games which turn out to be a good medium to express my feelings at times. So here's one:

I like to call the 'Song/Mind Reader' and is very easy to play, all you need is an mp3 player wit your music in it and some patience and insight. All you do is put your mp3 player on shuffle mode and note down the song that plays with the first thought that comes to your mind on listening to it. I'm feeling kindda upset right now, so i guess 10 songs later, I'll feels better ( or so i would like to believe)...so on my mark...get set...GO!!

I final rule: No Cheating!!!


1. Basketcase - Greenday: Its okay to be wierd. Its okay to be depressed and lifeless all the time. I'm not the only paraniod/retard/loser on earth, Billie Joe Armstrong actually makes me feel better about myself. Oh and another, the chord structure is rather tempting and the song makes me want to crank up the volume on my distortion and play it LOUD!


2. You Dont Know How It Feels - Tom Petty: heartache heartbreak. Defeat and humiliation. Fuck. Move on man. (or write inspirational stuff) I love Tom Petty, really!


3. Sparks - Coldplay: Magic...sheer magic this song...
Is this love or am i imagining it all?
I want to love you till i can love you no more.
I dont want to wake up, just lay here in your arms forever...counting stars above and dreaming of the future...
I love you, i always will...*sigh*
*repeats song*


4. My Sharona - The Ramones: Are you horny yet, or should i make you?! ;) I want to read/view hentai...ugghh, perverted me!!
Guitar solo to die for by the way..

5. Cryin' - Aerosmith: I want to dye my hair electric blue for my 18th birthday. It does not make much sense and neither is it relevant but still!


(enough for now, I'm feeling better already so i dont want to ruin it!)

And yes, guess which song did the trick...Mrs. Robinson - Simon and Garfunkel!

:-X

This is a follow up to my previous poston male fantasies...ah well, since i cannot quite get cullen out of my mind, why not create another list?!

MY LIST OF REAL LIFE DROOL WORTHY KNIGHTS IN NOT-SO-SHINING ARMOUR
(strictly in random order) PART 1:

1.kurt cobain (duh!)
2.jim morrison (duh again!)
3.adam leveine in "She Will Be Loved"
4.travis barker (drummer, Blink 182)
5.heath ledger :'(
6.ryan phillipe (cruel intentions, need i say more?!)
7.john mayer (neon, aarrggghhh!)
8.ashton kutcher
9.gregory peck
10.anthony bourdain

Edward Cullen.

I'm hopelessly and heartbreakingly in love...with Edward, who incase you did not know, i FICTIONAL!!
I hate Stephenie Meyer for creating him and thus playing with my emotions, i think i'm losing it. i thought that my obsession with Holden Caulfield was bad, but this is worse than bad...this is downright insane!
Atleast characters like Heathcliffe, Darcy and Holden gave me hope 'cause i know that there was a high possibility of such kinds of men existing on earth...but c'mon, an Adonis-ish vampire? what the fuck!
:(
:(

I'm pissed of cause i want to Bella but i cant...I can never be, Edward is so perfect...so amazing..yet, so non-existent!

:'(
:'(

i wish i had never read the goddamn series...but what started out as mere curiosity, has now turned into my bitter-sweet obsession..
If only i could snap out of it and face reality!

i'm bored. making random lists=fun!

STUFF THAT MAKES ME GO CRAZY (in a good way) :

(in random order)

1. Kurt Cobain.

2. Jim Morrison, Jimmi Hendrix, John Lennon, Janis Joplin, John Mayer, Jimmy Page, Joan Jett, Jack White.

3. The Catcher in the Rhye.

4. Nostalgia.

5.Pain Killers

6. Vodka

7.Doodling

8.Fictional characters such as Heathcliffe, Darcy, Johnny Quest and Cullen :)

9.Forrest Gump

10.Notebooks. my fetish. i love notebooks, fancy looking ones.

11.Punk jewellery

12.Wierd but sexed out nose pins.

13.Minute Maid Pulpy Orange...chilled!

14.Phuchhkaas.

15.Chinese food in kolkata. Golden Joy! :D

16. Tintin!

17.Quizzing.

18. Drama and melodrama.

19.Antisocial and reckless behavior. :S

20.The colours black, electric blue and shocking pink.(no, i am NOT emo!)

21.Stars in the sky.

22.Short pleated skirts. i like taking full advantage of my thin legs.

23.Making out with sayar on the sly. Its so innocent and beautiful.

24.jhaal-muri

25.Adda with friends at the lakes...*sigh*

26.procastinating.

27. low budget commercial bengali movies.

28.CCD: oh, where would i be without you!

29.facebook, orkut and the like...

30.downloading stuff off youtube.

31.adobe photoshop

32.classics.

33.heart shaped box-nirvana

34.:) :D :X :'( :) ....smileys!


(to be continued...)

2009: Resolutions!

(I really dont know why i'm making myself do this...i NEVER keep my promises and my resolutions, this list is just for the sake of it...)

1. save money and get that cobain tattoo. the emphasis is on saving the money, instead of blowing it on alcohol, cigarettes and fetishes and not necessarily on the tattoo!

2. stop being so darn narcissistic.

3. study. hah! :X

4. make better use of the fender and not just play power chords on distortion. :(

5. eat vegetables. (note: paneer is NOT a vegetable)

6. control emotions in public.

7. control emotions in general.

8. idol worshipping cobain is acceptable, but not to the extent of creeping people out with my fanaticism!

9. be tolerant towards all those annoying hindi speaking-oily food eating-hairy legged marwaris in school, just one more year and i'll be outta school anyway! :)

10. GET OVER a certain someone. ugh. and no, i'm not taking names...(hint: Mr. S)

11. try to write better.

12. get that piercing count to 15 or maybe more!

13. unlucky thirteen!

14. atleast make an attempt to do what has been asked to in this list!

The World Is A Happy Place?

I tried to watch porn today. It was disturbing.
I chose one which was titled 'sexy asian boys'...sounds like fun right? wrong!


The two boys who were probably as young as i am were not performing out of pleasure but out of desperation. It showed on their face. Its funny how money can make one do the most unthinkable things on earth.


I feel really bad for all those girls and boys out there, especially the ones my age, who are forced into this business, under no matter under what circumstances. How many people would do this for fun and not out of desperation?


Selling yourself or being raped is almost the same thing. I should know for i have been a victim of abuse.
My opinions on rapists and other sinners who encourage/force young children into prostitution/pornography are hence very biased and very very harsh and i believe in no less than capital punishment for them. They are murderers of the worst kind. They murder the mind and use the body. Almost like plucking a mosquito's legs one by one and then its wings, thus leaving it to die a slow and painful death.


So anyway, these two 'sexy asian boys' may not have been gay. Why do i have a feeling that in reality they're just two very hetero teenagers who were probably forced to mess around with each other infront of a roomfull of people who were redording it...all for money?
Well that probably is the truth, but just to assure myself tonight, i shall keep telling myself that they were just two boys who were having a little fun.


I will sleep in peace tonight by assuring myself that it is the latter, but deep down inside i will know that my assurance to myself is a lie for their eyes gave it all away...

this was a draft that i re-wrote :)

she looks at herself in the mirror. critically.

he waits for her at the corner.
somewhere far away a man dies in search of salvation.
but look at these two naive fools, how quickly they find what they seek.
they seek less.
they seek love.
they seek each other.
their young hearts burn with a feverish passion.
they believe in each other.
but they possess what the man never had.
hope.

Report Card Blues.

My report card comes out today and as usual, i have done badly...why?
because i did not bother to study at all...that's why!

So here i am, blogging away to glory whereas my parents (yes, both of them!!) are at school, conspiring against me with the help of my teachers.
This nexus between teachers and parents is quite fascinating to observe. A typical parent-teacher meeting will be full of a whole lot of suspense and melodrama~enough to make a soap opera on atleast!
I've seen so many kids being dragged along the corridors by their mothers, who make a humongous but unsuccessful attempt to show that all is well and that her child is as good as everyone else's while secretly waiting to get back home and flog the life out of them.
My parents however, are not the beating kind, they are the scolding/silent treatment kind which probably is as bad as the former category. So this term is no exception...I have to wait a little longer to find out what destiny has in store for me this time though.

But the question is, why didnt i study?!
Its not like i was too busy watching porn/partying/reading up/doing household chores or for that matter, doing anything!

Rape Me.

Rape my mind.
Rape my soul.
Rape my ego.
Rape my thoughts.
Rape my dreams.
Rape my beliefs.
Rape my life.

Why just the body?

You're just too obsessed with me to accept.
You cant get me out of your head now. Can you?
You can never forget. Can you?
Will you?

I will haunt you forever.
Or maybe the next two weeks. Then what?
Will you come crawling back to me?

I feel stupid at my vulnerability.
I feel stupid in general.
I feel confused.
I am confused.


I will always love you.
But you will always rape me.

Rock On!!

i wish i was a rockstar. being in the school band is not pleasurable enough.
i like playing these power chords, i like acting like a rockstar. i love singing. i love playing the guitar. i love hogging the limelight!

music, especially when making it, gives me an adrenaline rush like no drug in this world can.

the last official performance by the school band is due on the 24th and i REALLY want to put up a good show this time. i want to prove my worth~not just to all those who think i'm not good enough, but to myself.
i know i have it in me. i have showed it time and again, all i need is a silver lining and a whole lot of practise.

i want to live my dream.
play the guitar for the crowd as i watch it mosh, headbang and scream out my name.
i want to sing. i want everybody be swept away by me.
i'm not a diva, not even close.
i'm just a girl with a dream.

But i want to make it big.
I KNOW i can make it big.
with a little practise and a whole lotta luck!

Locker Room: Make believe?

To be aware of my existence in quite a complusion.
I exist.
I exist!
I exist?

My mind swarms with your thoughts
You nauseate me
You love me?
Oh, in that case I love you too!

Kiss and tell.
All is well.

Jaberwockee...Biased me!

This Does Not Deserve A Name

She dresses to kill.
He smokes a cigarette.

She waits.
He takes his time.

She turns feverish with anticipation.
He sets out to get it over with.

She lets him kiss her.
He considers foreplay as just a formality.

She makes love to him.
He fucks her.

She gives him everything she has.
His want is insatiable.

She waves goodbye.
He looks at another girl.

this week's obsessions: (in random order)

THE REAL ADVENTURES OF JONNY QUEST



STRAWBERRY FIELDS FOREVER -the song



PULP FICTION



ALICE IN WONDERLAND



SYLVIA PLATH



MARILYN MANSON



ROSEMARY'S BABY



FENDER (my strat!)

losing my clothes And my morals

i am wierd.

i like being wierd.

i am constantly reminded of this when i look around and see all those 'normal' people around me- so happy, so content, so disturbingly perfect.

i refuse to grow up.

i love being an adolescent-kinky, bitchy, OTT and emotionally unstable.

the mere thought of growing up scares me.

an old acquaintance recently propositioned me to have sex with him.

i turned him down.

why?

because i'm no longer the rebel that i used to be.

i'm no longer the bitch who couldnt care less.
i'm a domesticated animal now.

bound by chains of morals, righteousness and self-control.

but at the same time, its not like i have a problem with this change.

its a matter of time before i get used to this sobreity.

metamorphosis?

-i think not!

Crushed+Torn+Broken+Hurt

I thought i saw you that day,

walking down the alley,

with a smile on your face,

holding her by the waist,

walking slow,

in the moonlight,

the light falling on your handsome face,

looking into her eyes,

mumbling cheesy lines in her ears,

she looked like she could'nt resist your charm,

she looked happy,

she looked like she was loved,

is she your new target,


you rapist?

into the wild.

I lose myself in the depth of your eyes.
Your eyes.
Your eyes.
Telling only lies.

into the wild.
into the wild.
where we can lose ourselves.
Not in lies, but each other.

Come away with me love...

Bunny Rabbit: horny/cute/memory

This one's for you P (yeah, you!). Read carefully, it may be corny, but this really IS how i feel...


I wish it wasnt this way.
I wish i could feel you. One last time.
Before i let you go.
Before you fade away from the crevices of mind.
Before you turn to dust.
Before you forget our tryst with love and longing. One random winter evening.

I remember it like it was yesterday.
Your heartbeat at par with mine.
Your lips on my neck.
Your lingering hands.
Lust overpowering us.
The warmth of your body.
Against my skin.
That tingling sensation.
The mating of tongues.
Hands.
Minds.
Beliefs.
The conjugation of two spirits.
A solitary kiss which lead to nothing.
You and me. Aganist the whole world.
Erection. Anticipation. Paradise Lost.
Deeds done, but never forgotten.
Waste of time?


You.
You've got me tangled.
You make me feel cheap.
You make me feel like a whore.
You make me afraid. Of myself.
You make me insecure.
You make me look foolish.
You leave me disoriented.
You left me wanting for more.

Words can never make up for kisses lost.
Words can never make up for the time we wasted.

I dont belong to you.
I can never be your's.
You can never be mine.


Erasing the memory is not the solution. Cherishing is.
I like you.
Blah-ed out Kinky Bitch!
:X

As Told By Ginger

When i was a kid, i used to religiously watch this television show on nickelodeon called 'As Told By Ginger', about an orange-haired adolescent girl, Ginger Foutley, who's daily triumphs and defeats, no matter how mundane,were recorded in her journal.

She was a 7th grader, trying to find her place in school along with three of her best friends. It showed the gradual transformation of feelings of friendship to love, bringing back the innocence that is no longer associated with love.
It dealt with what it was like to live in a small town where everything was just about average...Ginger's longing for a father who she never really had. ..The love-hate relationship with her brother and the beautiful mother-daughter bonding that she shared with her mother.
It didnt preach. It didnt go overboard with the emotions that the characters experienced. It was so real that it still gives me goosebumps.

What fascinated me was the fact how much I could relate to her, although we had pretty much nothing in common. I remember getting emotional at the end of every episode. They seemed so real. They seemed to have been made especially for me. They made me cry. They made me laugh. They gave me hope.

Ginger made me believe that I could achieve everything and that nothing was impossible. She taught me to be strong and not let the world bring me down. She showed me that there was always light at the end of the tunnel. She made sadness seem like a perfectly normal emotion to experience.
But all this while,I never really realised how deep the show actually was , maybe because i was too young to do so....

But now i realise what the makers had in mind when they gave birth to her, Miss Ginger Foutley, they wanted every girl to look up to her, they wanted every girl to want to be her friend, but more importantly, they wanted every girl to find the Ginger Foutley that lay hiding inside them!

I love you Ginger.
I am you.
You are me.